Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

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在我过去的婚姻关系里，每遇到困难时刻我就显得漠不关心、没有爱心，其实我只是不知道自己能做什么。因此，我的第一次婚姻既痛苦又辛苦。和邦妮的这件事使我了解如何改变这种模式，也鼓舞了我花七年的时间研究本书提出的男女关系促进法。学习男女之不同后，我突然了解其实我不必这么卖力经营婚姻，由于了解了彼此的不同，日此我和邦妮便能够改善沟通的方式，并且彼此欣赏。

In my previous relationships, I had become indifferent and unloving at difficult times, simply because I didn't know what else to do. As a result, my first marriage had been very painful and difficult. It inspired my seven years of research to help develop and refine the insights about men and women in this book. By learning in very practical and specific terms about how men and women are different, I suddenly began to realize that my marriage did not need to be such a struggle. With this new awareness of our differences Bonnie and I were able to improve dramatically our communication and enjoy each other more.



持续地研究探讨男女之不同后，我们发现了改善彼此所有关系的新方法，那是我们父母不知道而且无法教我们的。我将我的观察心得与来咨商协谈的人分享后，他们的关系也改善了。成千上万参加我周末研讨会的人，也在一夜之间改善了他们夫妻间的关系。

By continuing to recognize and explore our differences we have discovered new ways to improve all our relationships. We have learned about relationships in ways that our parents never knew and therefore could not have taught us. As I began sharing these insights with my counseling clients, their relationships were also enriched. Literally thousands of those who attended my weekend seminars saw their relationships dramatically transform overnight.



七年后，参加过我的研讨会的个人或夫妻，表示他们还在受惠中。我收到一些夫妻寄来他们与孩子的合照，感谢我挽救了他们的婚姻。虽说是他们自已付出的爱挽救了他们的婚姻，但若不是深入了解对方，他们最后可能仍会走上离婚一途。

Seven years later individuals and couples still report successful benefits. I receive pictures of happy couples and their children, with letters thanking me for saving their marriage. Although their love saved their marriage, they would have divorced if they hadn't gained a deeper understanding of the opposite sex.



苏珊和吉米结婚九年，和大多数夫妻一样，他们以爱结合，但日积月累的挫折与失望，使他们失去当初的热情而决定放弃婚姻。离婚前，他们来听我的周末婚姻关系研讨会。苏珊说：“我们尽力维持婚姻，但却十分困难。”

Susan and Jim had been married nine years. Like most couples they started out loving each other, but after years of increasing frustration and disappointment they lost their passion and decided to give up. Before getting a divorce, however, they attended my weekend relationship seminar. Susan said, "We have tried everything to make this relationship work. We are just too different."



在研讨会中，他们很惊讶得知他们的不同不但很正常而且是应该的。他们很高兴别的夫妻也有相同的问题。才两天功夫，苏珊和吉米对男女就有了新的认知。

During the seminar they were amazed to learn that their differences were not only normal but were to be expected. They were comforted that other couples had experienced the same patterns of relating. In just two days, Susan and Jim gained a totally new understanding of men and women.



他们再度陷入热恋，婚姻关系奇迹似地转变了，他们期待分享生活，也绝口不再提离婚。吉米说：“了解了男女的不同，使我回到我太大身边。这是我从未收过的最佳礼物。我们又再一次彼此相爱。”

They fell in love again. Their relationship miraculously changed. No longer heading toward a divorce, they looked forward to sharing the rest of their lives together. Jim said, "This information about

our differences has given me back my wife. This is the greatest gift I could ever receive. We are loving each other again."



六年后，他们邀请我到他们的新家，和他们的家人见面，他们仍旧彼此相爱，并感谢我帮助他们了解彼此和维持婚姻。

Six years later, when they invited me to visit their new Home and family, they were still loving each other. They were still dunking me for helping them to understand each other and stay married.

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虽然几乎每个人都同意男女不同，但大多数人却不清楚是如何不同。过去十年，有许多书企图解释男女之间的不同，虽然有了重大的进展，但大多数仍是片面之辞，不幸的是，反而有些资讯煽动对异性的不信任与忿恨，把一方看成是另一方的受害者。要正确了解男女的不同，必须要有明晰的指导。

Although almost everyone would agree that men and women are different, how different is still undefined for most people. Many books in the last ten years have forged ahead, attempting to define these differences. Though important advances have been made, many books are one‑sided and unfortunately reinforce mistrust and resentment toward the opposite sex. One sex is generally viewed as being victimized by the other. A definitive guide was needed for understanding how healthy men and women are different.



改善两性关系必须清楚了解男女之间的不同，以便鼓舞互相信任、个人责任、促进彼此合作、增加爱意以提高自尊。我在研讨会上做了超过两万五千名参与者的问卷后，如今能够以积极的用语解释男女之不同。当你探讨这些不同时，你会觉得愤恨与不信任之墙正逐渐融化中。

To improve relations between the sexes it is necessary to create an understanding of our differences that raises self‑esteem and personal dignity while inspiring mutual trust, personal responsibility, increased cooperation, and greater love. As a result of questioning more than 25,000 participants in my relationship seminars I have been able to define in positive terms how men and women are different. As you explore these differences you will feel walls of resentment and mistrust melting down.



开放心胸使人充满谅解之心，也能够增进给与的动力，这样自已便能收到更多的爱与支持。我希望你带着这个新的认知，甚至超越本书所提的建议，继续发现与异性互爱与支持的方法。

Opening the heart results in greater forgiveness and increased motivation to give and receive love and support. With this new awareness, you will, I hope, go beyond the suggestions in this book and continue to develop ways in which you can relate lovingly to the opposite sex.



本书的理论都曾经过实验，超过两万五千份的个人问卷，结果几乎百分之九十都诚心地表现在本书中。如果你读本书时不断点头说：“是，是，你说的就是我”那么你就不寂寞了，你可以像其他引用本书观点的人一样受惠。

All of the principles in this book have been tested and tried. At least 90 percent of the more than 25,000 individuals questioned have enthusiastically recognized themselves 'm these descriptions. If you find yourself nodding your head while reading this book, saying "Yes, yes this is me you're talking about," then you are definitely not alone. And just as others have benefited from applying the insights in this book, you can as well.



本书详述男女之不同，揭露了减少紧张关系与增进爱情的新方法；也提供加何减少挫折与失望、增进快乐与亲密的实用意见。其实婚姻关系并不需要意力挣扎，只有在我们不了解对方时，才会产生紧张、气愤或冲突。

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus reveals new strategies for reducing tension in relationships and creating more love by first recognizing in great detail how men and women are different. It then offers practical suggestions about how to reduce frustration and disappointment and to create increasing Happiness and intimacy. relationships do not have to be such a struggle. Only when we do not understand one another is there tension, resentment, or conflict.



许多人对婚姻感到挫折，他们爱配偶，但当气氛紧张时，却不知该如何做才能使情况好转。你将因了解男女有多么不同而学到与另一半成功建立关系，运用倾听与支持的新方法。你将学到加何增进你本就应该拥有的爱情。

So many people are frustrated in their relationships. They love their partners, but when there is tension they do not know what to do to make things better. Through understanding how completely different men and women are, you will learn new ways for successfully relating with, listening to, and supporting the opposite sex. You will learn how to create the love you deserve. As you read this book you may wonder how anybody succeeds in having a successful relationship without it.

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“男女大不同”是爱情关系的指南。男女不只沟通的方式不同，想法、感觉、认知、反应、爱情、需求、表达、感激的态度等等也大不相同；他们几乎是从不同的星球来的，说不同的语言，需要不同的滋养。

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is a manual for loving relationships( in the I990s). (It reveals how men and women differ in all areas of their lives.) Not only do men and women cornmunicate differently but they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need, and appreciate differently. They almost seem to be from different planets, speaking different languages and needing different nourishment.



详细了解男女之间的不同，有助于解决你正遭遇的挫折，也帮助我们了解异性，不但可以很快化解谈会，也可防止误会的发生。当你记得你与配偶是从不同星球来的不一样的人时，你就会放松自己去配合，而不会一味反抗或试图改变他。

This expanded understanding of our differences helps resolve much of the frustration in dealing with and trying to understand the opposite sex. Misunderstandings can then be quickly dissipated or avoided. Incorrect expectations are easily corrected. When you remember that your partner is as different from you as someone from another planet, you can relax and cooperate with the differences instead of resisting or trying to change them.



最重要的是，从本书中你可学到实用技巧，解决因男女的不同所引起的问题。这本书不仅是心理学差异的理论分析，也是增进爱情关系的最佳指南。

Most important, throughout this book you will learn practical techniques for solving the problems that arise from our differences. This book is not just a theoretical analysis of psychological differences but also a practical manual for how to succeed in creating loving relationships.



书中理论的真实性加何，全在于你的自我证明，也藉由你在亲身经验和常识中肯定它的价值，书中有许多简明的例子表达了你旱已知道的事情，这肯定可以帮助你在彼此的关系中不致迷失。

The truth of these principles is self‑evident and can be validated by your own experience as well as by common sense. Many examples will simply and concisely express what you have always intuitively known. This validation will assist you in being you and in not losing yourself in your relationships.



男人通常会对这些观点反应说:“那就是我。你曾了解过我吗？我不觉得我做错了什么。“女人则通常会说;“我先生终于肯听我了，我不需要为了受肯定而吵架。你解释我们的不同时，我先生便渐渐了解。谢谢你！”这是令人鼓舞的时刻，人们学习男人从火星来、女人从金星来的观念后，分享他们的感受。这个了解异性的新课程，其结果不只是立即的，也将是长久的。

In response to these insights, men often say "This is exactly how I am. Have you been following me around? I no longer feel like something is wrong with me." Women often say "Finally my husband listens to me. I don't have to fight to be validated. When you explain our differences, my husband understands. Thank you!" These are but a few of the thousands of inspirational comments that people have shared after learning that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. The results of this new program for understanding the opposite sex are not only dramatic and immediate but also long lasting.



增进爱情关系之旅当然有时会碰上棘手，问题产生在所难免。但这问题既可成为忿恨、拒绝之源，也可成为增进爱情、亲密、关心与信任的机会。本书提出的观点不是消除所有问题的“修理快手”，而是提供你新的方法，让你的两性关系能够成功地支持你在人生中不断出现的问题，有了这个新认知，你就有了获得爱情所需的工具，能够给你的另一半更多的爱，支持地或她的需要。

Certainly the journey of creating a loving relationship can be rocky at times. Problems are inevitable. But these problems either can be sources of resentment and rejection or can be opportunities for deepening intimacy and increasing love, caring, and trust. The insights of this book are not a "quick fix" to eliminate all problems. Instead they provide a new approach whereby your relationships can successfully support you in solving life's problems as they arise. With this new awareness you will have the tools you need to get the love you deserve and to give your partner the love and support he or she deserves.

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本书提出许多有关男女的概念，你可能发现有些话对你而言特别真实，有此则不然……毕竟每个人有他独特的经验，有时候在我研讨会上的夫妻或个人会以相反的立场，与我分享我所提出的相关例子。发言的这个男人和我陈述的女人有关，发言的这个女人和我陈述的男人也有关，我称这为角色转换。

I make many generalizations about men and women in this book. Probably you will find some comments truer than others ... after all, we are unique individuals with unique experiences. Sometimes in my seminar couples and individuals will share that they relate to the examples of men and women but in an opposite way. The man relates to my descriptions of women and the woman relates to my descriptions of men. I call this role reversal.



如果你发现有角色转换的经验，请你安心，没什么关系。当你和书中所谈的无关时，我建议你忽略它或深入了解你的内在。许多男子为了表现出有爱心和教养，隐藏了自己的男子气概，就像许多女性为了在往重男性权势的工作中讨生活，便隐藏了她们的女性特质。若碰上这种例子，只要运用本书提供的建议、方法和技巧，不只可使你在关系中更热情，也可平衡你的性别特质。

If you discover you are experiencing role reversal, I want to assure you that everything is all right. I suggest that when you do not relate to something in this book, either ignore it (moving on tosomething you do relate to) or look deeper inside yourself. Many men have denied some of their masculine attributes in order to become more loving and nurturing. Likewise many women have denied some of their feminine attributes in order to earn a living in a work force that rewards masculine attributes. If this is the case, then by applying the suggestions, strategies, and techniques in this book you not only will create more passion in your relationships but also will increasingly balance your masculine and feminine characteristics.



我没有直接请出男女为什么不同，这是个复杂的问题，答案可以从生物学之不同、父母之影响、教育、出生顺序，到受社会、历史等影响的文化条件等去挖掘。

In this book I do not directly address the question of why men and women are different. This is a complex question to which there are many answers, ranging from biological differences, parental influence, education, and birth order to cultural conditioning by society, the media, and history. (These issues are explored in great depth in my book Men, Women, and relationships: Making Peace with the Opposite Sex.)



虽然利用本书观点可以立即得到收获，但不能取代心理治疗的需要，也不能为出了麻烦的关系或混乱的家庭做辅导。即使健康的人，在面对挑战时也可能仍需要心理治疗或辅导，我十分相信心理治疗和婚姻辅导可帮助个人做强有力的改变。

Although the benefits of applying the insights in this book are immediate, this book does not replace the need for therapy and counseling for troubled relationships or survivors of a dysfunctional family. Even healthy individuals may need therapy or counseling at challenging times. I believe strongly in the powerful and gradual transformation that occurs in therapy, marriage counseling, and twelve‑step recovery groups.



我仍不断听到人们告诉我，他们从了解男女关系中得到的收获，比做了几年的心理治疗还要大。我相信他们能成功地将我的观点运用到日常的关系和生活中，是因数年来的心理治疗为他们打下了基础。

Yet repeatedly I have heard people say that they have benefited more from this new understanding of relationships than from years of therapy. I however believe that their years of therapy or recovery work provided the groundwork that allowed them to apply these insights so successfully to their life and relationships.



如果我们的过去很混乱，做了多年的心理治疗后仍需一个积极健康的关系图象，本书正提供了这图象。反之，就算我们的过去充满了爱与滋润，但随着时间的改变，我们仍需要维持两性关系和谐的新方法。我相信每一个人都可从本书的观点中获益。我从研讨会参与者和来信中听到的唯一消极回应是：“我希望以前有人告诉我这些事。”

If our past was dysfunctional, then even after years of therapy or attending recovery groups we still need a positive picture of healthy relationships. This book provides that vision. On the other hand, even if our past has been very loving and nurturing, times have changed, and a new approach to relationships between the sexes is still required. It is essential to learn new and healthy ways of relating and communicating. I believe everyone can benefit from the insights in this book. The only negative response I hear from participants in my seminars and in the letters I receive is "I wish someone had told me this before."



　　增进你人生的爱情永不嫌迟。你只需要学习新方法。如果你想与异性有更完美的关系，此书是你最佳的指南。很高兴和你分享“男女大不同”。祝福你永远在智慧与爱情中成长，但愿离婚率降低，幸福的婚姻增加。我们的孩子应该拥有一个更美好的世界。

It is never too late to increase the love in your life. You only need to learn a new way. Whether you are in therapy or not, if you want to have more fulfilling relationships with the opposite sex, this book is for you.

It is a pleasure to share with you Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. May you always grow in wisdom and in love. May the frequency of divorce decrease and the number of happy marriages increase. Our children deserve a better world.

John Gray

　　约翰．葛瑞

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第一章 男人从火星来  女人从金星来

Chapter 1 Men Are from Mars Women Are from Venus



请想像男人从火星来、女人从金星来的景象。久远以前的某一天，火星人从天文望远镜中发现了金星人，仅只一瞥，就觉知与金星人素未相识，

Imagine that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. One day long ago the Martians, looking through their telescopes, discovered the Venusians. Just glimpsing the Venusians awakened feelings they had never known.



但他们互相仰慕，火星人受邀做了一趟太空之旅，飞向金星。

They fell in love and quickly invented space travel and flew to Venus.



金星人展开双臂迎接火星人。他们会觉这天终将来到，心里充满了过去未曾有过的爱的感觉。

The Venusians welcomed the Martians with open arms. They had intuitively known that this day would come. Their hearts opened wide to a love they had never felt before.



金星人和火星人的爱情真不可思议，他们喜欢互相作伴、一起做事、一起分享。因为来自不同世界，他们显现了彼此的不同，不过他们花好几个月时间彼此学习、摸索，并感激双方各自有不同的需要、嗜好及行为模式。他们亲爱和谐地一起生活多年。

The love between the Venusians and Martians was magical. They delighted in being together, doing things together, and sharing together. Though from different worlds, they reveled in (took pleasure) their differences. They spent months learning about each other, exploring and appreciating their different needs, preferences, and behavior patterns. For years they lived together in love and harmony.



接着，他们决定飞向地球。刚开始住地球时，每件事都美好可爱，可是有天早上，每个人一醒来都得了独特的健忘症....选择健忘。

Then they decided to fly to Earth. In the beginning everything was wonderful and beautiful. But the effects of Earth's atmosphere took hold, and one morning everyone woke up with a peculiar kind of amnesia­, selective amnesia!

火星人和金星人都忘了他们是从不同的星球来，本来就有差异，这天早上，他们过去互相学习的每一件不同的事情都从记忆里消失了，从这天开始，男人和女人便陷入了冲突。

Both the Martians and Venusians forgot that they were from different planets and were supposed to be different. In one morning everything they had learned about their differences was erased from their memory. And since that day men and women have been in conflict.

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记住彼此的差异

REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES



男人和女人因为没有警觉彼此应该有所不同，因此纷争不断。由于忘记彼此是不同的重要事实，我们常对异性生气或失望，我们期待异性和我们相像，希望他们“要的是我们所要的”及“以我们的方式去感受”。

Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this important truth. We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire them to "want what we want" and "feel the way we feel."



我们误以为如果配偶爱我们，他们必会以确定的方式反应和表达——如同当我们爱某些人时的反应与表达方式一般。这种想法使我们不断的感到失望，也阻碍我们花时间温柔地沟通彼此的不同。

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways ‑ the ways we react and behave when we love someone. This attitude sets us up to be disappointed again and again and it prevents us from taking the necessary time to communicate lovingly about our differences.



我们误以为知果配偶爱我们，他们必会以确定的方式来反应和表现——如同当我们爱某些人时的反应与表达方式一般。男人错误地期待女人要以男人的方式思考、沟通和反应；女人也错误地期待男人要以女人的方式去感觉、沟通和反应。我们都忘了男人和女人应该是不同的，结果我们的关系充满了不必要的摩擦与冲突。

Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. As a result, our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction (abrasion; discord) and conflict.



清楚认识和尊重这种差异，在与异性相处时，可大大地减少许多迷惑。你只要记得男人是从火星来、女人是从金星来的，每件事都可得到解释了。

Clearly recognizing and respecting these differences dramatically reduce confusion when dealing with the opposite sex. When you remember that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, everything can be explained.

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概观男女的不同

AN OVERVIEW OF OUR DIFFERENCES



我将会在整本书中大量讨论男女的不同，每一章都有重要的新观念。以下要探讨的是男女的主要不同处。

Throughout this book I will discuss in great detail our differences. Each chapter will bring you new and crucial insights. Here are the major differences that we will explore:



第二章将探讨男人和女人天生的价值观是如何的不同，并尝试了解我们与异性相处时常犯的两大错误：男人错误地提供解答和无价值的感觉；女人错误地提供没有吸引力的忠告和指示。藉由了解火星和金星的背景，就可以清楚明了为何男人和女人会不知不觉地犯下这个错误。只要记住彼此的不同，就能修正错误，马上以更多样化的方式回应对方。

In chapter 2, we will explore how men's and women's values are inherently different and try to understand the two biggest mistakes we make in relating to the opposite sex: men mistakenly offer solutions and invalidate feelings while women offer unsolicited advice and direction. Through understanding our Martian/Venusian background it becomes obvious why men and women unknowingly make these mistakes. By remembering these differences we can correct our mistakes and immediately respond to each other in more productive ways.



第三章在于发觉男女处理压力的不同方式。火星人倾向解决问题和安静思考什么事使他们困扰，金星人本能地感到需要谈论让她们困扰的事。你会学到在解决冲突时所需的新策略。

In chapter 3, we'll discover the different ways men and women cope with stress. While Martians tend to pull away and silently think about what's bothering them, Venusians feel an instinctive need to talk about what's bothering them. You will learn new strategies for getting what you want at these conflicting times.



我们将在第四章探讨如何鼓舞异性。男人在感觉自己被需要时容易受到激发；女人则在感觉受珍爱时才会被激发。我们将讨论促进两性关系的三步骤，并探讨如何克服挑战：男人需要克服他们的吝于付出爱；女人需要克服她们的吝于接受爱。

We will explore how to motivate the opposite sex in chapter 4. Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished. We will discuss the three steps for improving relationships and explore how to overcome our greatest challenges: men need to overcome their resistance to giving love while women must overcome their resistance to receiving it.



第五章你将学习到，男女因使用不同语言而老是误解对方。“金星／火星措词辞典”能够翻译一般的误解用辞。你将学到男人和女人如何为了完全不同的理由说话及停止说话。女人将学到当男人停止说话时该怎么办？男人将学到为了不致失望，该如何成为更好的倾听者。

In chapter 5, you'll learn how men and women commonly misunderstand each other because they speak different languages. A Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary is provided to translate commonly misunderstood expressions. You will learn how men and women speak and even stop speaking for entirely different reasons. Women will learn what to do when a man stops talking, and men will learn how to listen better without becoming frustrated.



第六章你会发现男人和女人对亲热有何不同要求。男人亲密后必然需要抽离，女人会学到如何支持这个抽离的过程，以便使他像橡皮筋一样弹跳回来。女人也会学到与男人亲密谈话的最好时机。

In chapter 6, you will discover how men and women have different needs for intimacy. A man gets close but then inevitably needs to pull away. Women will learn how to support this pulling‑away process so he will spring back to her like a rubber band. Women also will learn the best times for having intimate conversations with a man.



第七章探讨女人的爱情态度是如何的有周期性起伏，男人将学习如何正确判断女人偶尔的情感变化，及认识女人何时最需要关心，如何在女人情感起伏时有技巧地、不放弃地支持她们。

We will explore, in chapter 7, how a woman's loving attitudes rise and fall rhythmically in a wave motion. Men will learn how correctly to interpret these sometimes sudden shifts of feeling. Men also will learn to recognize when they are needed the most and how to be skillfully supportive at those times without having to make sacrifices.



第八章你会发现男人和女人如何给与他们自己需要的爱，而不是异性需要的爱。男人基本上需要信任、接受、感激的爱，女人基本上需要体贴、了解、尊重的爱。你会发现六种你常不知不觉间用来躲避配偶的方法。

In chapter 8, you'll discover how men and women give the kind of love they need and not what the opposite sex needs. Men primarily need a kind of love that is trusting, accepting, and appreciative. Women primarily need a kind of love that is caring, understanding, and respectful. You will discover the six most common ways you may unknowingly be turning off your partner.



第九章将探讨如何避免痛苦的争论。男人会学到若他们老以为自己的做法是对的，会使女人的感觉变得毫无价值；女人会学到她们如何不知不觉地传送失望的讯息来代替她的不同意思，因而引发男人的防卫。我们将解析争论并提供建立支持沟通的许多实用建议。

In chapter 9, we will explore how to avoid painful arguments. Men will learn that by acting as if they are always right they may invalidate a woman's feelings. Women will learn how they unknowingly send messages of disapproval instead of disagreement, thus igniting a man's defenses. The anatomy 解剖学,剖析 of an argument will be explored along with many practical suggestions for establishing supportive communication.



第十章列出男人和女人不同的计分法。男人将学知：对金星人而言，每件代表爱情的礼物不管金额大小，都和其他礼物得到同样的分数。女人注重爱情的小小表现，而非昂贵的礼物。此章列出了女人计分的一百零一种方式。但女人必须学习将她们的精力放在给与男人想要的东西上，以搏得男人的高分评价。

Chapter 10 will show how men and women keep score (keep a record of past events or actions) differently. Men will learn that for Venusians every gift of love scores equally with every other gift, regardless of size. Instead of focusing on one big gift men are reminded that the little expressions of love are just as important; 101 ways to score points with women are listed. Women, however, will learn to redirect their energies into ways that score big with men by giving men what they want.



第十一章你将学习在困难时刻如何彼此沟通。我们会讨论男人与女人隐藏感觉的不同方式及分享感觉的重要。并推荐向另一半书写表达消极感觉的情书技巧，做为发现更美好的爱情与谅解的方法。

In chapter 11, you'll learn ways to communicate with each other during difficult times. The different ways men and women hide feelings are discussed along with the importance of sharing feelings. The Love Letter Technique is recommended for expressing negative feelings to your partner, as a way of finding greater love and forgiveness.



第十二章你会发现金星人为何难以开口请求支持，以及火星人为何抗拒请求。你会学到男人以什么来取代说“你可不可以……”，以及学习鼓励男人说出更多的秘密，你也会发现多种简短、直接的力量及如何使用正确的字眼。

You will understand why Venusians have a more difficult time asking for support in chapter 12, as well as why Martians commonly resist requests. You will learn how the phrases "could you" and "can you" turn off men and what to say instead. You will learn the secrets for encouraging a man to give more and discover in various ways the power of being brief, direct, and using the correct wording.



你会在第十三章发现爱情的四季变化。这个爱情变化与成长的实际观察，将帮助你克服浮现在任何关系中不可避免的障碍。你会学到你或配偶的过去足以影响你们目前的关系，你也会发现保持爱情活力的重要洞察力。

In chapter 13 you'll discover the four seasons of love. This realistic perspective of how love changes and grows will assist you in overcoming the inevitable obstacles that emerge in any relationship. You will learn how your past or your partner's past can affect your relationship in the present and discover other important insights for keeping the magic of love alive.

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在本书的每一章中，你都可以发现增进爱情与维持关系的新秘诀。每个新发现都可增加你创造满意关系的能力。

In each chapter of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus you will discover new secrets for creating loving and lasting relationships. Each new discovery will increase your ability to have fulfilling (gratify, satisfy) relationships.



爱情需要用心

GOOD INTENTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGH



恋爱总是奇异的，它让人感到永恒，好像爱情至死不渝。我们天真地相信自己可以避免父母亲曾有的问题，不会遇上爱情死亡的机会，确信爱情就是两人在一起，注定永远快乐的共同生活。

Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal, as if love will last forever. We naively believe that somehow we are exempt from the problems our parents had, free from the odds that love will die, assured that it is meant to be and that we are destined to live happily ever after.



但当日子一天天过去，奇异的感觉减少，男人期待女人以男人的方式思想和行动，女人期待男人以女人的方式感觉和表现的态度就原形毕露了。若没有清楚了解我们的不同，我们就不会花时间彼此了解和尊重，反而会变得不断要求、忿恨、冲动、主观和固执己见。

But as the magic recedes and daily life takes over, it emerges that men continue to expect women to think and react like men, and women expect men to feel and behave like women. Without a clear awareness of our differences, we do not take the time to understand and respect each other. We become demanding, resentful, judgmental, and intolerant.



　　爱情在强烈的爱的意图下继续死亡。问题莫名其妙地爬升，忿恨形成，沟通破裂，不信任增加，导致两人间互相拒绝与压抑——爱情的魔力消失了。

　　我们自问：

　　爱情的死亡是怎么发生的？

　　为何爱情的死亡会发生？

为什么让我遇上爱情的死亡？

With the best and most loving intentions love continues to die. Somehow the problems creep in. The resentments build. Communication breaks down. Mistrust increases. Rejection and repression result. The magic of love is lost.

We ask ourselves:

How does it happen?

Why does it happen?

Why does it happen to us?



为了回答这些问题，我们伟大的心灵必须探究聪慧、复杂的哲学与、心理学模式。但爱情死亡只不过是旧曲重唱，几乎每个人都会碰上。

To answer these questions our greatest minds have developed brilliant and complex philosophical and psychological models. Yet still the old patterns return. Love dies. It happens to almost everyone.



每一天，有成千上万的人在寻找配偶共同经历特别的爱情感觉；每一年，成千上万的夫妻以爱结合，然后因失去爱情感觉而痛苦分离。那些能够维持爱情热度到结婚的，只有百分之五十会结婚，另外百分之五十虽仍维持在一起，但可能他们都不满意，基于忠贞与义务地在一起，或者害怕重新开展新恋情。

Each day millions of individuals are searching for a partner to experience that special loving feeling. Each year, millions of couples join together in love and then painfully separate because they have lost that loving feeling. From those who are able to sustain love long enough to get married, only 50 percent stay married. Out of those who stay together, possibly another 50 percent are not fulfilled. They stay together out of loyalty and obligation or from the fear of starting over.



很少人能够真正随着爱情成长，但不容否认，确实有人能够做到。只有当男人和女人能够尊重和接受彼此的不同，爱情才有机会繁盛。

Very few people, indeed, are able to grow in love. Yet, it does happen. When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.



经由了解两性之间潜藏的不同，我们可以更成功地给与及接受暗藏于心中的爱情。认知和接受男女的不同可以创造解决问题的答案，而使我们能心想事成。更重要的是，可知悉如何彼此亲爱与如何支持我们在乎的人。

By validating and accepting our differences, creative solutions can be discovered whereby we can succeed in getting what we want. And, more important, we can learn how to best love and support the people we care about.Through understanding the hidden differences of the opposite sex we can more successfully give and receive the love that is in our hearts.



爱情是奇妙的，如果我们记住彼此的不同，爱情是可以长久的。

Love is magical, and it can last, if we remember our differences.

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第二章 修理先生和改善家庭委员会

Chapter 2 Mr. Fix‑It and the Home‑Improvement Committee



女人对男人最常见的抱怨是，男人不肯倾听。当女人说话时，男人不管是忽略还是听一点点，在评估过困扰女人的原因后，他们都会骄傲地戴上“修理先生的帽子”，提供一个能够令女人好过一点的解答。当她不感激这个爱的姿态时，他就觉得迷惑。不管她告诉他多少次他没在听她说话，他依旧不听，且一直做着同样的事。女人要的是感情的共鸣，但男人却以为她要解答。

The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don't listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her, and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix‑It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better. He is confused when she doesn't appreciate this gesture of love. No matter how many times she tells him that he's not listening, he doesn't get it and keeps doing the same thing. She wants empathy (sympathy), but he thinks she wants solutions.



男人对女人最常见的抱怨，是女人总是企图要改变他们。当女人爱上男人时，她觉得有责任帮助他成长，并帮他改善他的做事方式。她会组织一个“改善家庭委员会”，男人便成了她主要的焦点。不管他如何拒绝她的帮助，她都坚持等待任何帮助他的机会或告诉他该做什么。她以为她在提携他，但他却觉得被控制了。相反的，他要的是她的接纳。

The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She forms a Home‑Improvement committee, and he becomes her primary focus. No matter how much he resists her help, she persists‑waiting for any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do. She thinks she's nurturing him, while he feels he's being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance.



这两个问题可藉由先了解为何男人提供解答、女人寻求改善来解决。让我们假装回到从前，观察火星和金星上的生活......在地球未被发现或他们未来到地球以前.....我们可以观察到男人与女人。

These two problems can finally be solved by first understanding why men offer solutions and why women seek to improve. Let's pretend to go back in time, where by observing life on Mars and Venus ‑‑­beforethe planets discovered one another or came to Earth‑we can gain some insights into men and women.

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火星人的生活习惯

WE ON MARS



火星人重视力量、能力、效率和成就。他们以实际行动证明他们的能力，并培养力量与技能。他们由达成结果的能力来诠释自己的存在意义。主要是以成功和成就来经验圆满。

Martians value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. They are always doing things to prove themselves and develop their power and skills. Their sense of self is defined through their ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishment.



男人透过他达成结果的能力来诠释自己的存在意义。



火星上的每件事都反映这个价值，甚至身上衣服的设计也用来反映他们的技能与能力。警察、军人、商人、科学家、计程车司机、技术人员和厨师都会穿制服或至少戴帽子以表示他们的能力和力量。

Everything on Mars is a reflection of these values. Even their dress is designed to reflect their skills and competence. Police officers, soldiers, Businessmen, scientists, cab drivers, technicians, and chefs all wear uniforms or at least hats to reflect their competence and power.



他们不读“今日心理学”(Psychology Today)、(自我)(Self)、(时人)(People)这类杂志。他们比较关心户外活动，譬如打猎、钓鱼、赛车。他们的兴趣在新闻、天气、运动，不注意爱情小说和自我成长类的书。

They don't read magazines like Psychology Today, Self, or People. They are more concerned with outdoor activities, like huntM Fishing, and racing cars. They are interested m the news, weather, and sports and couldn't care less about romance novels and self‑help books.



他们对“物体”和“事情”比较有兴趣，对人们与感觉比较没兴趣。甚至在今日地球上，当女人幻想爱情时，男人幻想跑车、电脑、电器产品、新玩艺儿和更新更强的科技。男人已经先被那些可以帮助他们创造结果和完成目标，并藉此表现力量的“事情”占住了。

They are more interested in "objects" and "things" rather than people and feelings. Even today on Earth, while women fantasize about romance, men fantasize about powerful cars, faster computers, gadgets, gizmos, and new more powerful technology Men are preoccupied with the "things" that can help them express power by creating results and achieving their goals.



完成目标对火星人而言很重要，因为那是他证明能力与自我满足的方法。为了满足自我，他必须独自完成目标，其他人不可替他完成。火星人以自力做事为荣。自主是效率、力量和能力的象征。

Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And for him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself. Someone else can't achieve them for hirn. Martians pride themselves in doing things all by themselves. Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power, and competence.



了解火星人的这些特征，可帮助女人明白，为何男人这么反抗被纠正或听取女人的指挥。提供给男人他不主动请求的建议，等于断定他无法自己做事或他不知道自己该做什么，男人必会因此动怒，因为能力问题对他们而言，非常重要。

Understanding this Martian characteristic can help women understand why men resist so much being corrected or being told what to do. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own. Men are very touchy about this, because the issue of competence is so very important to them.

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提供给男人他不主动请求的建议，等于断定他无法自己做事或他不知道自己该做什么。



火星人惯于自己排解问题，除非他需要专家的建议，否则他不会谈论他的问题。他的理论是：“我自己可以做这件事，干嘛牵连别人。”除非他觉得需要别人协助寻求解答，否则他都自己处理问题。在自己能解决的范围内请求他人的帮忙，不啻是能力衰弱的表征。

Because he is handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice. He reasons: "Why involve someone else when I can do it by myself?" He keeps his problems to himself unless he requires help from another to find a solution. Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness.



但是，如果他真的需要帮忙，他就会寻找他尊敬的人来讨论他的问题。火星人与人谈论问题就是邀请对方给与建议。对方(同为火星人)也会因有此机会而觉得荣耀，他会自动戴上“修理先生帽子”，倾听一会儿之后，再提供如宝石般剔透珍贵的建议。

However, if he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it. In this case, he will find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem on Mars is an invitation for advice. Another Martian feels honored by the opportunity. Automatically he puts on his Mr. FIX‑It hat, listens for a while, and then offers some jewels of advice.



火星人的这种习惯成了女人提出困扰而男人本能地给与解答的问题之一。当一个女人只纯粹地分享她沮丧的感觉或宣泄她这天遇到的问题时，男人就误以为她在寻找一些专家的建议，于是他戴上了“修理先生帽子”，开始给与建议，以此示爱及尝试帮助她。

This Martian custom Is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. When a woman innocently shares upset feelings or explores out loud the problems of her day, a man mistakenly assumes she is looking for some expert advice. He puts on his Mr. Fix‑It hat and begins giving advice; this is his way of showing love and of trying to help.



他想藉由解决她的问题来帮助她好过一点，让她觉得他对她很有帮助。他觉得如果他的能力足以解决她的问题，必能得到她的尊重和爱。

He wants to help her feel better by solving her problems. He wants to be useful to her. He feels he can be valued and thus worthy of her love when his abilities are used to solve her problems.



若他提供解答，她却仍沮丧不堪，他必会因解答受拒及感到自己无用而难以再倾听她的谈话。他不晓得光是专注与感兴趣的倾听，对女人而言就是支持的表现，他也不知道在金星人的世界中，谈论问题并非就是寻求解答的邀约。

Once he has offered a solution, however, and she continues to be upset it becomes increasingly difficult for him to listen because his solution is being rejected and he feels increasingly useless.

He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.

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金星人的生活习惯

life ON VENUS



金星人重视的束西则与火星人不一样，她们重视爱、沟通、美与关系。她们花许多时间互相支持、帮助和滋养。她们透过感觉和关系品质来诠释自己存在的意义；透过分享与建立关系来经历满足感。

Venusians have different values. They value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping, and nurturing one another. Their sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships.



女人透过感觉和关系品质来诠释自己存在的意义。

They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.

金星上的每件事都反映这些观点。比起关心建造高速公路和高楼大厦，金星人倒宁愿关心融洽、沟通、共同创造爱地生活在一起。相处关系比工作和科技重要得多，她们的世界和火星人几乎是对立的。

Everything on Venus reflects these values. Rather than building highways and tall buildings, the Venusians are more concerned w ith living together in harmony, community, and loving cooperation. relationships are more important than work and technology. In most ways their world is the opposite of Mars.



她们不穿像火星人表现能力的制服，她们喜欢根据感觉每天穿不同的服饰，着重个人感觉的表现更甚于一切，她们可能会依情绪的变化，每天更换数套服饰。

They do not wear uniforms like the Martians (to reveal their competence). On the contrary, they enjoy wearing a different outfit every day, according to how they are feeling. Personal expression, especially of their feelings, is very important. They may even change outfits several times a day as their mood changes.



沟通对她们最重要。分享个人感觉比完成目标和成功更重要。彼此交谈和建立关系是满足感的最大来源。

Communication is of primary importance. To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals and success. Talking and relating to one another is a source of tremendous fulfillment.



男人很难理解这点。他只能藉由赢得赛跑、达到目标、解决问题等的满足感经验，试着接近、了解女人分享与建立关系的经验。

This is hard for a man to comprehend. He can come close to understanding a woman's experience of sharing and relating by comparing it to the satisfaction he feels when he wins a race, achieves a goal, or solves a problem.



女人倾向确立关系而非确立目标，她们比较在意表达她们的亲切、爱心和体贴。两个火星人一起吃中饭，为了解决问题，他们会一面吃饭一面讨论计画或业务，同时他们将到餐厅吃饭当成获得食物的方便途径：不必采购、不必烹饪、不必洗碗。但是对金星人而言，和朋友外出吃中饭是培养双方关系的大好机会。女人在餐厅谈话几乎可以像是心理治疗师与病人对话般的亲密和开放。

Instead of being goal oriented, women are relationship oriented; they are more concerned with expressing their goodness, love, and caring. Two Martians go to lunch to discuss a project or Business goal; they have a problem to solve. In addition, Martians view going to a restaurant as an efficient way to approach food: no shopping, no cooking, and no washing dishes. For Venusians, going to lunch is an opportunity to nurture a relationship, for both giving support to and receiving support from a friend. Women's restaurant talk can be very open and intimate, almost like the dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient..



金星上每个人都学习心理学，并且至少拥有咨商的硕士学位，她们非常关心个人成长、灵性，及能够帮助生命、治疗与成长的任何事情。金星中到处都是公园、完善的花园、购物中心和餐厅。

On Venus, everyone studies psychology and has at least a master's degree in counseling. They are very involved in personal growth, spirituality, and everything that can nurture life, healing, and growth. Venus is covered with parks, organic gardens, shopping centers, and restaurants



金星人具有高度直觉，几世纪以来，她们以预测别人的需要来培养直觉能力。她们以能够体谅他人的需要与感觉为荣。不必经过另一个金星人的请求就直接帮助对方，是金星人表示爱心的方式。因为金星人不认为证明能力是件多了不起的事，所以她们认为提供帮助并非唐突，请求帮助也不算能力不足。但此时男人却会觉得女人给与他未曾请求的建议是很唐突的，他觉得她不相信他有能力去完成一些事。

Venusians are very intuitive. They have developed this ability through centuries of anticipating the needs of others. They pride themselves in being considerate of the needs and feelings of others. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked. Because proving one's competence is not as important to a Venusian, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness. A man, however, may feel offended because when a woman offers advice he doesn't feel she mists his ability to do it himself.



而女人全然无视于男人的这种敏感度，她认为若有人肯帮助她，那是在她的帽子上添饰羽毛，让她觉得自己可爱又受珍视；男人却以为接受帮助是软弱、没能力、不可爱的表现。

A woman has no conception of this male sensitivity because for her it is another feather in her hat if someone offers to help her. It makes her feel loved and cherished. But offering help to a man can make him feel incompetent, weak, and even unloved.



在金星，给与忠告和建议表示体贴，金星人坚决相信每件事都可以做得更好，她们有改进事物的天性，只要她们关心某人，她们就会毫不保留的指出如何做才能进步，并给与建议。建议与建设性批评是她们表示爱的行动。在火星则截然不同。火星人倾向解决，他们行事的座右铭是：别改变。他们的天性认为已进行的事就让它进行，他们的共同说辞是：“除非无可挽回，否则别更改。”

On Venus it is a sign of caring to give advice and suggestions. Venusians firmly believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things. When they care about someone, they freely point out what can be improved and suggest how to do it. Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love. Mars is very different. Martians are more solution oriented. Ifsomething is working, their motto is don't change it. Their instinct is to leave it alone if it is working. "Don't fix it unless it is broken" is a common expression.



如果女人试着让男人变得更好，男人会认为她要改变他，使他以为他已到了不可救药的地步。女人不知道她对他的关怀可能侮辱了他，她误以为由自己在帮助男人成长。

When a woman tries to improve a man. he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn't realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.

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女人放弃给与建议

GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE



若不了解男人不愿接受建议的天性，女人很容易在不知不觉间伤害和得罪她最爱的男人。

Without this insight into the nature of men, it's very easy for a woman unknowingly and unintentionally to hurt and offend the man she loves most.



譬如汤姆和玛莉正要赴宴，汤姆开车，二十分钟后，他在同一个区域重复绕了好几分钟，玛莉马上知道他迷路了。她建议他打电话求助，汤姆随即沉默不语。他们虽然终于抵达宴会场所，但整晚却都弥漫着紧张的气氛。玛莉不了解汤姆为什么会难过。

For example, Tom and Mary were going to a party. Tom was driving. After about twenty minutes and going around the same block a few times, it was dear to Mary that Tom was lost. She finally suggested that he call for help. Tom became very silent. They eventually arrived at the party, but the tension from that moment persisted the whole evening Mary had no idea of why he was so upset.



她这方说的是：“我爱你、在乎你，所以才帮助你。”

From her side she was saying "I love and care about you, so I am offering you this help."



他那方却被激怒了，他听到的是：“我不相信你能把我们带到宴会地点，你算是无能”

From his side, he was offended. What he heard was "I don't trust you to get us there. You are incompetent!"



玛莉若不了解火星人的生活，就无法了解不靠她的帮忙而顺利达到目的地对汤姆是何等重要。我们已经探讨过，火星人只有在别人要求时才给与建议，尊敬另一个火星人的方式是，除非他请求帮忙，否则就一直假定他能解决他自己的问题。

Without knowing about life on Mars, Mary could not appreciate how important it was for Tom to accomplish his goal without help. Offering advice was the ultimate insult. As we have explored, Martians never offer advice unless asked. A way of honoring another Martian is always to assume he can solve his problem unless he is asking for help.



玛莉不知道当汤姆迷路，在同一区域打转时正是爱他、支持他的大好机会。这时候他特别脆弱，特别需要关爱。若能以不给与建议来表示尊敬他，这礼物就相当于他送她一束花或写给她一张爱的短笺一样。

Mary had no idea that when Tom became lost and started circling the same block, it was a very special opportunity to love and support him. At that time he was particularly vulnerable and needed some extra love. To honor him by not offering advice would have been a gift equivalent to his buying her a beautiful bouquet of flowers or writing her a love note.



玛莉学知火星人和金星人的不同后，她学习如何在碰到此类困难时刻帮助他。下次他迷路了，她就深呼吸，克制给与建议的冲动，心中感谢汤姆正试着替她寻路。汤姆很感激玛莉善解人意，接受他开车迷路了但相信他能找到出路。

After learning about Martians and Venusians, Mary learned how to support Tom at such difficult times. The next time he was lost, instead of offering "help" she restrained herself from offering any advice, took a deep relaxing breath, and appreciated in her heart what Tom was trying to do for her. Tom greatly appreciated her warm acceptance and trust.



一般说来，当女人提供给男人非主动请求的建议，企图帮助男人时，她完全不知道对他而看口，她可能太过挑剔、缺乏爱心。虽然她是出于爱，她的建议却会伤害他、得罪他，他的反应可能会很激烈，尤其是他可能会觉得自己像小孩一样，受到批评或看到母亲批评父亲的样子。

Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to "help" a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. Even though her intent is loving, her suggestions do offend and hurt. His reaction may be strong, especially if he felt criticized as a child or he experienced his father being criticized by his mother.

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一般说来，当女人提供给男人非主动请求的建议，企图帮助他时，她完全不知道对他而言，她可能大过挑剔、缺乏爱心。



有许多男人认为，证明他们能达到目标是十分重要的......即使是像开车到餐厅或赴宴这样的小事。讽刺的是，他对待这种小事可能比大事还敏感，他的感觉就像这样：“我如不能以到达宴会地点这样的小事取信于她，她又如何能相信我能做大事？”男人像他们的火星人祖先一样，以成为专家为荣，尤其是修理机械、抵达某地点或解决问题等。他需要她充满爱心的接受他，而不是批评建议。

For many men, it is very important to prove that they can get to their goal, even if it is a small thing like driving to a restaurant or party. Ironically he may be more sensitive about the little things than the big. His feelings are like this: "If I can't be trusted to do a small thing like get us to a party, how can she trust me to do the bigger things?" Like their Martian ancestors, men pride themselves on being experts, especially when it comes to fixing mechanical things, getting places, or solving problems. These are the times when he needs her loving acceptance the most and not her advice or criticism.



男人学习倾听

LEARNING TO LISTEN



同样地，男人若不了解女人与他们之间的差异，他也可能愈帮愈忙。男人必须谨记，女人是靠谈论问题获取亲密关系，而不是倚靠解答。

Likewise, if a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.



因此女人多数只想和丈夫分享她当日的感受，丈夫却自以为在帮助她，而提供一连串解决她问题的答案，反而使她受挫，但他却不知道这为何使她不高兴。

So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn't pleased.



女人多数只想和丈夫分享她当日的感受，丈夫却自以为在帮助她，提供一连串解决问题的答案，反而使她受挫。



譬如，玛莉这天回到家已精疲力尽，她想和丈夫分享她这天的感受。

For example, Mary comes Home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her feelings about the day.



玛莉说：工作太多了，我根本没有一点点私人时间”

She says, "There is so much to do; I don't have any time for myself."



汤姆说：“你应该辞职，不必做得那么累，去找一些你喜欢的事做。”

Tom says, "You should quit that job. You don't have to work so hard. Find something you like to do."



玛莉说：“可是我喜欢我的工作，只是他们过于期望我在短时间内改变一切事。”

Mary says, "But I like my job. They just expect me to change everything at a moment's notice."



汤姆说：“别听他们的，只要做你能做的就好。”

Tom says, "Don't listen to them. just do what you can do."



玛莉说：“我正是这么做。真不敢相信，我今天竟然忘了打电话给我姑妈。”

Mary says, "I am! I can't believe I completely forgot to call my aunt today."



汤姆说：“别担心，她应该会了解你很忙。”

Tom says, "Don't worry about it, she'll understand."



玛莉说：“你知道她怎么了吗？她需要我。”

Mary says, "Do you know what she is going through? She needs me."



汤姆说：“你太会担心了，才会这么不快乐。”

Tom says, "You worry too much, that's why you're so unhappy."



玛莉生气地说：“我并不是常常不快乐，你可不可以只听我说？”

Mary angrily says, "I am not always unhappy. Can't you just listen to me?"



汤姆说：“我正在听。”

Tom says, "I am listening."



玛莉说：“为什么我还是这么烦呢？（真不知道我为什么自找麻烦？）”

Mary says, "Why do I even bother?"

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谈过话后，玛莉比她刚回家期待亲热与安慰时更失望，汤姆也失望地不知道到底哪儿出了毛病，他想帮忙，但解决问题的策略却没奏效。

After this conversation, Mary was more frustrated than when she arrived Home seeking intimacy and companionship. Tom was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong. He wanted to help, but his problem‑solving tactics didn't work.



汤姆不了解金星人的生活，所以他不知道光只是倾听而不提解答有多重要，他的解答只会把事情愈弄愈糟。你看，金星人谈话时从来不提供解答，尊敬另一个金星人的方法是耐心倾听，感同身受地了解对方的感觉。

Without knowing about life on Venus, Tom didn't understand how important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honoring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other's feelings.



汤姆不知道感同身受的倾听玛莉传达她的感觉，可使她得到极度的松懈与满足。而当汤姆了解了金星人的生活及需要的谈话后，他逐渐学习如何倾听。

Tom had no idea that just listening with empathy to Mary express her feelings would bring her tremendous relief and fulfillment. When Tom heard about the Venusians and how much they needed to talk, he gradually learned how to listen.



现在，玛莉精疲力尽地回来后，他们的对话有了显著的不同：

When Mary now comes Home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite different. They sound like this:



玛莉说;“太多工作了，我没有一点私人时间”

Mary says, "There is so much to do. I have no time for me."



汤姆深深吸进一口气，缓缓呼出，说：“你今天好像很累。”

Tom takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says, "Humph, sounds Ii ike you had a hard day."



玛莉说：“他们期待我在短时间内改变一切事，我不知道怎么办。”

Mary says, "They expect me to change everything at a moment's notice. I don't know what to do."



汤姆稍停后说：“嗯。”

Tom pauses and then says, " "H|mmm."



玛莉说：“我竟然忘了打电话给我姑妈。”

Mary says, "I even forgot to call my aunt."



汤姆轻轻皱眉说：“哦，不太应该。

” Tom says with a slightly wrinkled brow, "Oh, no."



玛莉说：“她现在很需要我，我觉得很难过。”

Mary says, "She needs me so much right now. I feel so bad."

汤姆说：“你很有爱心，来，来这儿，让我抱抱你。”

Tom says, "You are such a loving person. Come here, let me give you a hug."



汤姆抱着玛莉，玛莉在他怀里松懈地大叹一声。然后说：“我喜欢和你说话，你让我真正感到高兴，谢谢你当听众，我现在好多了。”

Tom gives Mary a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She then says, "I love talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening. I feel much better."



汤姆也感到愉快，他很惊讶自己学习倾听后，太太就变得比较高兴。汤姆认知了他们之间的差异后，他学习不提供解答只倾听的智慧，而玛莉也学习不提供非请求的建议与批评，学习忍耐与接受的智慧。

Not only Mary but also Tom felt better. He was amazed at how much happier his wife was when he finally learned to listen. With this new awareness of their differences, Tom learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Mary learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

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总结我们在关系中最常犯的错误有：

To summarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships:



1.男人常以“修理先生”自居，提供解决问题的答案来去除女人的难过感觉。

I. A man tries to change a woman's feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix‑It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.



2.女人尝试以“改善家庭委员会”的姿态和提供非请求的建议、批评，来改变男人的错误行为。

2. A woman tries to change a man's behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the Home‑improvements committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.



IN DEFENSE OF MR. FIX‑IT AND THE Home‑IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE



我指出这两个主要错误，并不是说“修理先生”和“改善家庭委员会”所做的每一件事都是错的。火星人和金星人都有许多正面特性，以上所讲的错误只是发生在时机及方法上而已。

In pointing out these two major mistakes I do not mean that everything is wrong with Mr. Fix‑It or the Home‑improvement committee. These are very positive Martian and Venusian attributes. The mistakes are only in timing and approach.



如果女人难过时，男人没有以修理先生的姿态出现，女人会十分感激他。男人必须谨记：女人在难过及谈论她的问题时，并不是提出解答的时机，她需要人家倾听她说的话，然后会自行调整情绪。她不需要一位“修理先生”。

A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix‑It, as long as he doesn't come out when she is upset. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.



只要符合需要，男人会很感激“改善家庭委员会”。女人必须谨记：非请求的建议或批评——尤其在他犯错时，会使他觉得受控制、没有爱。为了从错误中学习，他需要她的接纳甚于她的建议。如果男人感到女人并没有要控制他，他会更想请她给他回馈或建议。配偶若抗拒我们，可能是我们在时机和方法上犯了错。，值得我们更进一步探讨这部分的细节。

A man greatly appreciates the Home‑improvement committee, as long as it is requested. Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism­especially if he has made a mistake‑make him feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice, 'In order to learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman Is not trying to improve him, he is much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.

Understanding these differences makes it easier to respect our partner's sensitivities and be more supportive. In addition we recognize that when our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach. Let's explore this in greater detail.

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了解男女的差异，使我们比较容易尊敬配偶的敏感，并成为另一半的支持者。另外，我认为配偶若抗拒我们，可能是我们在时机和方法犯了错



　　如何处理女人的抗拒

WHEN A WOMAN RESISTS A MAN'S SOLUTIONS



女人抗拒男人提供的解答时，他会觉得自己的能力受到怀疑，因而感到不受信任、不被感激，然后从此停止照顾。可理解的是，他愿意倾听的热情必也大打折扣。

When a woman resists a man's solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessens.



只要记得女人从金星来，男人此时就能转而了解她为何会抗拒他。他会反省和发觉在她需要感同身受与滋润时，他可能给的是她不需要的解答。

By remembering that women are from Venus, a man at such times can instead understand why she is resisting him. He can reflect and discover how he was probably offering solutions at a time when she was needing empathy and nurturing.



以下是一些男人可能犯下无视于感觉与直觉，或提供女人不需要的解答的例子，看你能不能辨别为何她会抗拒：

Here are some brief examples of ways a man might mistakenly invalidate feelings and perceptions or offer unwanted solutions. See if you can recognize why she would resist:



1你不应该过分操心。

I. "You shouldn't worry so much."

2我不是那样说的。

2. "But that is not what I said."

3这没什么了不起。

3. "It's not such a big deal."

4是，我很抱歉，我们可不可以把不愉快忘了。

4. "OK, I'm sorry. Now can we just forget it."

5为何你不着手去做呢？

5. "Why don't you just do it?"

6我们谈了呀！

6. "But we do talk."

7你不应该觉得受到伤害，我不是故意的。

7. "You shouldn't feel hurt, that's not what I meant."

8你想说什么？

8. "So what are you trying to say?"

9你不该这样想。

9. "But you shouldn't feel that way."

10你怎能这样说？上个星期我整天和你在一起，我们处得很好。

I0. "How can you say that? Last week I spent the whole day with you. We had a great time."

11好吧，把它忘了吧。

II. " OK, then just forget it."

12好，我会清理后院，你高兴了吧！

I2. "All right, I'll dean up the backyard. Does that make you happy?"

13我总算让你知道这是你该做的事。

I3. "I got it. This is what you should do."

14看吧，我们束手无策了。

I4. "Look, there's nothing we can do about it."

15如果你抱怨做那些事，那么就不要做。

I5. "If you are going to complain about doing it, then don't do it."

16你为何让人家那样对待你？别理他们吧！

I6. "Why do you let people treat you that way? Forget them."

17你如果不高兴，我们只好离婚。

I7. "If you're not happy then we should just get a divorce."

18好，你现在就可以做了。

I8. "All right, then you can do it from now on."

19从现在开始，我会掌握它。

I9. "From now on, I will handle it."

20我当然关心你，其荒谬。

20. "Of course I care about you. That's ridiculous."

21你了解重点了吗？

2 I. "Would you get to the point?"

22我们必须做的是……

22. "All we have to do is...

23事情不只这样而已。

23. "That's not at all what happened."

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每一句话，不是要消除就是要解释难过的感觉，或者提供一个可以突然将她沮丧的感觉改为积极感受的解答。男人改变此模式的首要步骤是，停止类似以上的“建议”(我们会在第五章做完整的探讨)。总之，练习倾听，不必提供消除难过的方法或解答，是重要的步骤。

Each of these statements either Invalidates or attempts to explain upset feelings or offers a solution designed suddenly to change her negative feelings to positive feelings. The first step a man can take to change this pattern is simply to stop making the above comments (we explore this topic more fully in chapter 5). To practice listening without offering any invalidating comments or solutions is, however, a big step.



男人若能清楚了解引起女人抗拒的不是解答本身，而是提供解答的时机和方式不对，那么他就较能处理女人的抗拒。学习倾听后，他会逐渐体验到女人对他表示难过时，由于他的倾听，她会更感激他。

By clearly understanding that his timing and delivery are being rejected and not his solutions, a man can handle a woman's resistance much better. He doesn't take it so personally. By learning to listen, gradually he will experience that she will appreciate him more even when at first she is upset with him.



如何化解男性抗拒心态

WHEN A MAN RESISTS THE Home‑IMPROVEMENT COMMITTEE



男人抗拒女人的建议时，她会觉得他好像不在乎她；她觉得她没受到尊重，因而她理所当然以为自己没受到支持，再也不相信他。

When a man resists a woman's suggestions she feels as though he doesn't care; she feels her needs are not being respected. As a result she understandably feels unsupported and stops trusting him.



这时，若她记得男人从火星来，她就会转而了解为何他抗拒她。她会反省和发现她可能给了他非请求的建议或批评，而不是单纯地与他分享她的需求，提供资讯，或请求他做事。

At such times, by remembering that men are from Mars, she can instead correctly understand why he is resisting her. She can reflect and discover how she was probably giving him unsolicited advice or criticism rather than simply sharing her needs, providing information, or making a request.



女人在无意中可能提供了无恶意的批评，引起男人的抗拒。当你探讨下列这些短例时，请记住：这些小事可能会造成抗拒与怨恨的大隔阂。有些评注隐含了建议或批评。看你能不能辨别为什么他会觉得被控制。

Here are some brief examples of ways a woman might unknowingly annoy a man by offering advice or seemingly harmless criticism. As you explore this list, remember that these little things can add up to create big walls of resistance and resentment. In some of the statements the advice or criticism is hidden. See if you can recognize why he might feel controlled.



1那东西你早就有了，为什么还想买？

I. "How can you think of buying that? You already have one."

2那些盘子还是湿的，干了后会留下水迹。

2. "Those dishes are still wet. They'll dry with spots"

3你的头发已经太长了，不是吗？

3. "Your hair is getting kind of long, isn't It?"

4那里有个停车场，把车子开过去。

4. "There's a parking spot over there, turn [the car] around."

5你要和朋友相处，我呢？

5. "You want to spend time with your friends, what about me?"

6你不应该工作得这么累，休息一天吧。

6. "You shouldn't work so hard. Take a day off."

7不要把东西放在那里，会弄丢。

7. "Don't put that there. It will get lost."

8你应该叫水电工人来，他知道怎么做。

8. "You should call a plumber. He'll know what to do."

9为什么我们要排队候位？你没有预约晤？

9. "Why are we waiting for a table? Didn't you make reservations? "

10你应该多花时间和孩子在一起，他们很想你。

I0. "You should spend more time with the kids. They miss you. "

11你的办公室乱七八糟，你在那里怎么思考呢？你什么时候可以把它清一清？

II. "Your office is still a mess. How can you think in here? When are you going to clean it up> "

12你又忘了把它带回家，也许你可以把它放在一个你会记得的特殊地方。

I2. "You forgot to bring it Home again. Maybe you could put it in a special place where you can remember it."

13你开得太快了，慢下来，不然会被开罚单。

I3. "You're driving too fast. Slow down or you'll get a ticket."

14我们下次得先看电影预告。

I4. "Next time we should read the movie reviews."

15我不知道你在哪里(你应该打个电话回来)。

I5. "I didn't know where you were." (You should have called.)

16有人喝了果汁。

I6. "Somebody drank from the juice bottle."

17别用手指拿东西吃，这是个坏榜样。

I7. "Don't eat with your fingers. You're setting a bad example."

18这些薯片太油腻，对你心脏不好。

I8. "Those potato chips are too greasy. They're not good for your heart."

19你没有留足够的时间给自己。

I9. "You are not leaving yourself enough time."

20你应该提前通知我，我无法马上放掉每件事跟你去吃中饭。

20. "You should give me more [advance] notice. I can't just drop everything and go to lunch with you."

21你的这件衬衫和裤子不配。

2I. "Your shirt doesn't match your pants."

22比尔打来三次了，你什么时候可以回他电话？

22. "Bill called for the third time. When are you going to call him back?"

23你的工具箱乱七八糟，我什么都找不到，你应该把它整理好。

23. "Your toolbox is such a mess. I can't find anything. You should organize it."

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当女人不知道该如何直接请求男人的支持(第十二章)，或积极分享她的意见时(第九章)，她可能会觉得若不给与非请求的建议或批评，她就无法得到她的需求(稍后会再探讨这个论点)。总之，练习接受及不要给与建议和批评，是一个重要步骤。

When a woman does not know how to directly ask a man for support (chapter I2) or constructively share a difference of opinion (chapter 9), she may feel powerless to get what she needs without giving unsolicited advice or criticism (again, we explore this topic more fully later on). To practice giving acceptance and not giving advice and criticism is, however, a big step.



她若清楚了解他并非拒绝她的要求，而是拒绝她接近他的方式，就不会将他的拒绝视为个人的问题，并会寻求更多支持她传达需求的方式。她会逐渐知道，当一个男人觉得问题的解答在接近他而非问题本身接近他时，他就会想要改善自己。

By clearly understanding he is rejecting not her needs but the way she is approaching him, she can take his rejection less person­ally and explore more supportive ways of communicating her needs. Gradually she will realize that a man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.



当一个男人觉得是问题的解答在接近他，而不是问题本身在接近他时，他就会想要改善自己。



如果你是个女人，我建议你下星期练习克制给与男人任何非请求的建议或批评，这样你生命中的男人不只会感激你，还会对你更殷勤、更有反应。

If you are a woman, I suggest that for the next week practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism. The men in your life not only will appreciate it but also will be more attentive and responsive to you.

　　如果你是个男人，我建议你下星期开始练习倾听，不管女人何时说话，你都以尊重和了解她心情的态度倾听。当你冲动得想提供解答或改变她的感觉时，练习咬咬舌头，你会很惊讶地体验到她有多感激你。

If you are a man, I suggest that for the next week you practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is feeling. You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you.

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