Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

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设立及尊重界限

SETTING AND RESPECTING LIMITS

女人最重要的是必须了解自己的界限：在不激怒丈夫的情况下，她可以给与什么？与其期待丈夫有对等的回馈，不如约束自已付出的程度。

Most important, however, a woman needs to recognize her boundaries of what she can give without resenting her partner. Instead of expecting her partner to even the score, she needs to keep it even by regulating how much she gives.



让我们看看以下实例：吉米和太太苏珊来找我咨询时，吉米三十九岁，苏珊四十一岁。苏珊想离婚，她抱怨，结婚十二年来，她付出的已超过她所有的，她再也不能负荷了。她责备吉米昏庸、自私、爱控制、不解风情。她说她再也掏不出东西给与了，她要离开。他说服她来治疗，但她怀疑会有效果。最后，他们经由下列三个步骤，在六个月期间内治疗两人的关系。现在，他们与三个孩子共享幸福婚姻。

Let's look at an example. Jim was thirty‑nine and his wife, Susan, was forty­one when they came for counseling. Susan wanted a divorce. She complained that she had been giving more than he had for twelve years and could not take it any more. She blamed Jim for being lethargic, selfish, controlling, and unromantic. She said she had nothing left to give and was ready to leave. He convinced her to come to therapy, but she was doubtful. In a six‑month period they were able to move through the three steps for healing a relationship. Today they are happily married with three children'.



步骤一：激发动力

Step I: motivation



我向吉米解释，他太太累积了十二年的愤怒，如果他想维持婚姻，他必须常常倾听她说话，籍以激发她维持婚姻的动力。前六次会谈，我鼓励苏珊分享她的感觉，耐心帮助吉米了解她的消极感觉，这是他们治疗过程最困难的部分。当他真的用心倾听她的痛苦和没有被满足的需要时，他变得更激发出主动的态度，有信心做必要的改变，以保持爱的互动关系。

I explained to Jim that his wife was experienc ing twelve years of accumulated resentment. If he wanted to save this marriage, he would have to do a lot of listening for her to be motivated to work on their marriage. For the first six sessions together, I encouraged Susan to share her feelings and helped Jim patiently to understand her negative feelings. This was the hardest part of their healing process. As he began to really hear her pain and unfulfilled needs, he became increasingly motivated and confident that he could make the changes necessary to have a loving relationship.



苏珊受到激发动力去维持关系之前，需要吉米听她诉苦及认同她的感觉，这是第一步骤。当苏珊觉得被了解后，他们就可以进展到第二步骤。

Before Susan could be motivated to work on their relationship, she needed to be heard and feel that Jim validated her feelings: this was the first step. After Susan felt understood, they were able to proceed to the next step.

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步骤二：负责

Step 2: Responsibility



第二步骤是负责。吉米必须对没有支持太太负责，苏珊需对没有设立付出的界限负责。吉米为他对她的伤害抱歉；苏珊也知道她没有设立界限，以致他能以不礼貌的方式威胁她(如吼叫、发牢骚、反抗要求、藐视感受等)。虽然她不需道歉，但也知道该为他们的婚姻问题负起一些责任。

The second step was taking responsibility. Jim needed to take responsibility for not supporting his wife, while Susan needed to take responsibility for not setting boundaries. Jim apologized for the ways he had hurt her. Susan realized that just as he had stepped over her boundaries by treating her in disrespectful ways (such as yelling, grumbling, resisting requests, and invalidating feelings), she had not set her boundaries. Although she did not need to apologize, she did acknowledge some responsibility for their problems.



当她逐渐接受自己无能设立界限，和意图付出更多反而造成问题时，她就能够宽恕了。为了减轻忿恨，她必须对自己的问题负起责任，如此，他们两人便能透过尊重对方的界限而激发彼此学习互相支持的新方法。

As she gradually accepted that her inability to set limits and her tendency to give more had contributed to their problems, she was able to be more. forgiving. Taking responsibility for her problem was essential to releasing her resentment. In this way they both were motivated to learn new ways of supporting each other through respecting limits.

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步骤三：练习

Step 3: Practice



吉米需要学习如何尊重她的界限，苏珊需要学习如何设立界限。他们两人都需要学习如何以尊重的方式传达真实的感受。他们答应在第三步骤时练习设限和尊重界限，他们也知道偶尔会犯错，为此，在他们练习时，我们布下了安全网。以下是他们练习的例子。

Jim particularly needed to learn how to respect her boundaries, while Susan needed to learn how to set them. Both of them needed to learn how to express honest feelings in a respectful way. They agreed in this third step to practice setting and respecting limits, knowing that at times they would make mistakes. Being able to make mistakes gave them a safety net while they both practiced. These are some examples of what they learned and practiced:



．苏珊练习说：“我不喜欢你说话的方式，请停止咆哮，否则我要离开这个房间了。”离开房间数次后，此事就再也没有发生了。

* Susan practiced saying "I don't like the way you are talking. Please stop yelling or I will leave the room." After leaving the room a few times, she didn't need to do it anymore.



．吉米要求她做某些事，她却不愿做时，她练习说：“我需要轻松一下。”或说：“我今天太忙了。”她发现他更注意她了，因为他知道她很忙很累。

0 When Jim would make requests that she would later resent doing, she practiced saying "No, I need to relax" or "No, I'm too busy today." She discovered that he was more attentive to her because he understood how busy or tired she was.



．苏珊跟吉米说她想去度假，当他说他太忙时，苏珊说她要自己去。他突然改变他的工作表，想和她一起去。．他们正在谈话时吉米打岔，她练习说：“我还没讲完，请听我继续说。”之后他变得更用心听，很少打岔。

* Susan told Jim that she wanted to go on a vacation, and when he said he was too busy she said that she would go alone. Suddenly he shifted his schedule and wanted to go. * When they talked and Jim interrupted, she practiced saying "I'm not finished, please hear me out." Suddenly he started listening more and interrupting less.



．苏珊比较困难的部分是，练习说出她的要求。她对我说：“我帮他做了一切事后，为何还要为自己要求？”我解释说那是为了让他有责任知道她的要求不只是虚幻的，也是她的主要问题。她需要他对于她的需求的满足负责。

0 Susan's most difficult task was to practice asking for what she wanted. She said to me, "Why should I have to ask, after all I have done for him?" I explained that making him responsible for knowing her wants was not only unrealistic but a big part of her problem. She needed to be responsible for getting her needs fulfilled.



．吉米最困难的挑战是尊重她的改变，和不要期望她是他原来娶的那位听话的太太。他了解她要设限和他要适应她的设限一样困难，他也知道经过练习后，他们的相处会更融洽。

* Jim's most difficult challenge was to be respectful of her changes and not expect her to be the same accommodating partner he originally married. He recognized that it was as difficult for her to set limits as it was for him to adjust to them. He understood that they would become graceful as they had more practice.



当男人经历了界限后，他就能受激发而付出更多。透过尊重对方的界限，他自动受到激发，质疑原本行为模式的效率，并开始改变自己。当女人了解为了接受她必须设限后，她也自动原谅她的丈夫，并探讨要求和接受支持的新方法。只要女人设限，她就能逐渐学到松懈自己，并接受更多。

As a man experiences limits, he is motivated to give more. Through respecting limits, he automatically is motivated to question the effectiveness of his behavior patterns and to start making changes. When a woman realizes that in order to receive she needs to sets limits, then automatically she begins to forgive her partner and explore new ways of asking for and receiving support. When a woman set limits, she gradually learns to relax and receive more.

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女人学习接受

LEARNING TO RECEIVE



女人怯于设限和接受，她通常害怕要求太多而遭到拒绝、批评或遗弃。拒绝、批评、遗弃会令她痛苦，因为在内心深处，她不知不觉抱持一个错误的信念，以为她没资格接受更多。这种错误信念导因于童年时期，每次都得压抑她的感觉、需求或希望。

Setting limits and receiving are very scary for a woman. She is commonly afraid of needing too much and then being rejected, judged, or abandoned. Rejection, judgment, and abandonment are most

painful because deep inside her unconscious she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of receiving more. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time she had to suppress her feelings, needs, or wishes.



女人面对自已不值得被爱的消极错误信念，特别容易受到伤害。假如她小时候曾目睹虐待或直接受到虐待，更会觉得自己不偿得被爱，这使她很难确定自己的价值。不知不觉间，没价值的感觉使她惧怕向别人要求，她会想像自己无法得到支持。

A woman is particularly vulnerable to the negative and incorrect belief that she doesn't deserve to be loved. If as a child she witnessed abuse or was directly abused, then she is even more vulnerable to feeling unworthy of love; it is harder for her to determine her worth. Hidden in the unconscious, this feeling of unworthiness generates the fear of needing others. A part of her imagines that she will not be supported.



女人因害怕不能得到支持，所以无意间推拒了她需要的支持。当男人收到她不相信他可以满足她需求的讯息时，会觉得被拒绝，因而立刻打退堂鼓。她的绝望与不信任等于自动放弃了正当且必要的需求，传达出去的讯息是她不信任他会支持她。讽刺的是，男人基本上是觉得被需要才能受到鼓舞，但却因不被对方需要而被拒绝。

Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away the‑ support she needs. When a man receives the message that she doesn't trust him to fulfill her needs, then he feels immediately rejected and is turned off. Her hopelessness and mistrust transform her valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate to him the message that she doesn't trust him to support her. Ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed, but are turned off by neediness.

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数次后，女人误以为是因她有所求，男人才打退堂鼓，而不知道男人需要的是被信任。要了解何谓需要与不需要，对女人来说既困难又困惑。

At such times, a woman mistakenly assumes that having needs has turned him off when in truth it is her hopelessness, desperation, and mistrust that has done so. Without recognizing that men need to be trusted, it is difficult and confusing for women to understand the difference between needing and neediness.



“需要”是基于信任、要求或取得男人的支持，并假设他会尽力而为，允许他为她做事；“不需要”是因你不相信你可得到而放弃寻求支持，把男人推开，使他们觉得被拒绝，不被感激。

"Needing" is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that assumes that he will do his best. This empowers him. "Neediness," however, is desperately needing support because you don't trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated.



对女人来说，即使是最轻微的方式，要求他人不但使她们困惑、失望或觉得遭遇遗弃，也令她们伤心欲绝，她们无法忍受倚赖他人，然后被忽略、忘记或自心中摒除。若遭忽视或感到失望，她们受的伤害会更深，因为这更证明了她自认没价值的错误信念。

For women, not only is needing others confusing but being disappointed or abandoned is especially painful, even in the smallest ways. It is not easy for her to depend on others and then be ignored, forgotten, or dismissed. Needing others puts her in a vulnerable position. Being ignored or disappointed hurts more because it affirms the incorrect belief that she is unworthy.

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学习认同自己的价值

New the Venusians L~ to Feel Worthy



数世纪以来，金星人藉由注意和负责他人的需要来补偿自己无价值的恐惧。她们不断地给与、付出，但内心丝毫不觉得收到应有的回馈。她们希望经由给与，可使她们变得有价值。付出了数世纪后，她们终于知道自己值得接受爱与支持，当她们回头看，才知道她们一直是值得受支持的。

For centuries the Venusians compensated for this fundamental fear of unworthiness by being attentive and responsive to the needs of others. They would give and give, but deep inside they did not feel worthy of receiving. They hoped that by giving they would become more worthy. After centuries of giving they finally realized that they were worthy of receiving love and support. Then they looked back and realized that they had always been worthy of support.



付出的过程使她们具备了自重的智慧。她们看见了他人都值得接受爱，因此她们认为每个人都应该被爱，她们也应该接受爱。

This process of giving to others prepared them for the wisdom of self­esteem. Through giving to others they came to see that others truly were worthy of receiving, and thus they began to see that everyone deserved to be loved. Then, finally, they saw that they too deserved to receive.



在地球上，当一个小女孩看见母亲接受爱，她自然而然觉得自己也值得爱，她自然克服了金星人强制性给与太多的毛病。她不需要克服惧怕接受，因为她与母亲的行为已合而为一。如果她母亲学到了接受的智慧，这小女孩也会透过观察而学到；如果这母亲开放心灵接受，这小女孩也会学到如何接受。

Here on Earth, when a little girl experiences her mother receiving love, then automatically she feels worthy. She is able easily to overcome the Venusian compulsion to give too much. She doesn't have to overcome a fear of receiving because she identifies so closely with her mother. If her mother has learned this wisdom then the child automatically learns it through observing and feeling her mother. If the mother is open to receive, then the child learns how to receive.



金星人就是缺乏角色模范，才得耗费数千年的力气来放弃强迫性的给与。经由逐渐看到其他人值得接受爱，她们才知道自己也值得接受。在这奇幻的片刻，火星人也有了改变，并开始组织太空舰队。

The Venusians, however, did not have role models, so it took them thousands of years to give up their compulsive giving. Through gradually seeing that others were worthy of receiving, they realized that they also were worthy of receiving. At that magical moment the Martians also went through a transformation and began building spaceships.





Who the Venusian Is Ready the Martian Will Appear



当女人知道她真正应该被爱时，她会为男人打开门，好让他能为她付出。但如果在婚姻中，她花了十年的时间不断付出才知道自己应该得到爱，她就会想关上门，不再给配偶机会。她可能会有这种感觉：“我付出很多，你却忽略了我。你本来是有机会的，我应从你那里得到更多的。但我现在不相信你了，我太累了，我再也不能给你什么了，我也不再让你伤害我了。”

When a woman realizes that she truly deserves to be loved, she is opening the door for a man to give to her. But when it takes her ten years of overgiving in a marriage to realize that she deserves more, ironically, she feels like closing the door and not giving him the

chance. She may feel something like this: "I have given to you and you have ignored me. You had your chance. I deserve better. I can't trust you. I am too tired, I have nothing left to give. I will not let you hurt me again."



遇上这种例子，我要重复说明，女人不需为了维持良好关系而付出过多，假如她们能少给一点，她们的丈夫就会多给一点。如果丈夫忽略了她的需要，那只像是他俩都睡着了，当她醒来并记得自己的需要时，他也醒来准备要给她更多了。

Repeatedly, when this is the case, I have assured women that they don't have to give more to have a better relationship. Their partner actually will give them more if they give less. When a man has been ignoring her needs, it is as though they have both been asleep. When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more.

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当女人醒来并且记得自己的需要时，男人也醒来准备要给她更多了。



可以预期的是，她的丈夫会从被动状态醒来，因着她的要求而改变。当她因内在觉得自已有价值而不再给与太多时，他会走出洞穴，到她身边让她高兴。他可能要花一段时间学习如何多付出，但最重要的步骤已发生了他已知道他忽视了她，而且他也乐于改变。

Predictably, her partner will wake up from his passive state and truly make many of the changes she requires. When she is no longer giving too much, because she is feeling worthy inside herself, he comes out of his cave and starts building spaceships to come and make her happy. It may take him a while actually to learn to give her more, but the most important step is taken‑he is aware that he has neglected her and he wants to change.



其他的事也连带发生了。通常当一个男人不快乐，希望生活里有浪漫与爱情时，他的太太会突然开放，再次爱他。忿恨的墙开始融化，爱情再次回到生命里。如果有许多被忽略的感觉存在，可能要花些时间诚、心地治疗所有积恨，只要有心，积恨终会烟消云散，我将会在第十二章讨论一些简单实用的治疗怨恨的技巧。

It also works the other way around. Usually when a man realizes that he is unhappy and wants more romance and love in his life, his wife will suddenly begin to open up and love him again. The walls of resentment begin to melt, and love comes back to life. If there has been a lot of neglect it may take a while truly to heal all the accumulated resentments, but it is possible. In chapter II, I will discuss easy and practical techniques to heal these resentments.



常常，当一方有了积极的改变时，另一方也会跟着改变。这种可预期的巧合是生命的奇异点之一。当学生准备好，老师就出现了；问题一出现，就可听到答案。若我们诚心地准备接受，我们所想要的就可成真。当金星人准备接受，火星人也会准备好给与。

Quite often, when one partner makes a positive change the other will also change. This predictable coincidence is one of those magical things about life. When the student is ready the teacher appears. When the question is asked then the answer is heard. When we are truly ready to receive then what we need will become available. When the Venusians were ready to receive, the Martians were ready to give.

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男人学习给与

LEARNING TO GIVE



男人最深的恐惧是他不够好或不够资格，他以专、心增加力量和能力来补偿这种惧怕。他生命中最重要的是成功、成就、效率，在发现金星人之前，火星人只关心这些品质，不关心其他人或其他事。当他害怕时，他就会表现得毫不关心。

A man's deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. He compensates for this fear by focusing on increasing his power and competence. Success, achievement, and efficiency are foremost in his life. Before they discovered the Venusians, the Martians were so concerned with these qualities that they didn't care about anything or anybody else. A man appears most uncaring when he is afraid.



男人最深的恐惧是他不够好或不够资格。



男人害怕给与，就像女人害怕接受一样。给与他人意味要冒着失败、纠正及不赞成的危险。这种结果最令他痛苦，因为他的内在潜意识一直维持一个错误的信念，使他认为他不够好。这信念成形于童年时，每次别人都期待他要把事情做得更好，当他完成了每件事却没受到注意或感激时，他便在潜意识里建立自己不够好的错误信念。

Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving. To extend himself in giving to others means to risk failure, correction, and disapproval. These consequences are most painful because deep inside his unconscious he holds an incorrect belief that he is not good enough. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time he thought he was expected to do better. When his accomplishments went unnoticed or were unappreciated, deep in his unconscious he began forming the incorrect belief that he was not good enough.



　　男人害怕给与，就像女人害怕接受一样。

　　

男人特别容易受到他错误信念的伤害，这信念使他害怕失败。他想给与，但怕失败，所以他不肯尝试。如果他最大的恐惧是自己不够好，他自然会避免任何不必要的冒险。讽刺的是，男人愈在乎失败就给得愈少，为了避免失败，他停止给与原先他最想给与的人。

A man is particularly vulnerable to this incorrect belief. It gener‑ ates within him the fear of failing. He wants to give but is afraid he will fail, so he doesn't try. If his biggest fear is inadequacy, he naturally is going to avoid any unnecessary risks. Ironically, when a man really cares a lot his fear of failure increases, and he gives less. To avoid failure he stops giving to the people he wants to give to the most.



男人缺乏安全感时，他可能以只关心自己、不关心别人来得到补偿。他最直接的防御反应是：“我不在乎”因此，火星人没让自己付出更多去照顾别人，而在变得更成功、更有力量后，他们终于知道自己有足够的能力，可以成功地给与。然后，他们发现了金星人。

When a man is insecure he may compensate by not caring about anybody except himself. His most automatic defensive response is to say "I don't care." For this reason, the Martians did not let themselves feel or care too much for others. By becoming successful and powerful they finally realized that they were good enough and that they could succeed in giving. They then discovered the Venusians.



虽然他们已经很好了，当他们透过回顾且变得更成功时，他们知道每一次的失败都是成功之母；每次的错误，都是达到目标的重要课程。因此他们知道，他们一直都是具有充分能力的。

Although they had always been good enough, the process of proving their power prepared them for the wisdom of self‑esteem. Through becoming successful and then looking back, they realized that their every failure was necessary to achieve their later successes. Every mistake had taught them a very important lesson rice~ to achieve their goals. Thus they realized they had always been good enough.

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犯错又何妨

It Is OK to Make Mistakes



男人学习如何给与更多的首要步骤，是了解犯错与失败都无所谓，而且不必有答案。

The first step for a man in learning how to give more is to realize that it is OK to make mistakes and it is OK to fail and that he doesn't have to have all the answers.



我记得一个女人的故事，她抱怨男朋友从来不和她沟通未来的婚姻计画。对她而言，似乎他不像她那么在乎婚姻。有一天，她对男朋友说很高兴和他在一起，即使他们会很穷，她也要和他在一起，第二天，他就求婚了。他需要她的鼓励并相信他有充分的能力，然后他才能表现他在乎的程度。

I remember the story of a woman who complained that her partner would never make a commitment to marriage. To her it seemed that he did not care as much as she did. One day, however, she happened to say that she was so happy being with him. Even if they were poor, she would want to be with him. The next day he proposed. He needed the acceptance and encouragement that he was good enough for her, and then he could feel how much he cared.



当女人谈论问题时，男人会对失败感到敏感，就像女人没获得她们需要的注意时，也会一样敏感。这就是为什么有时他很难去倾听的原因。他要成为她的英雄。当她不管什么事都失望或不高兴时，他会觉得自己像个失败者，她的不快乐证实了他的恐惧：“我不够好。”许多女人至今仍不知男人有多脆弱、多需要被爱。爱就是让他知道他有足够的能力可以满足别人的需要。

Just as women are sensitive to feeling rejected when they don't get the attention they need, men are sensitive to feeling that they have failed when a woman talks about problems. This is why it is so hard for him to listen sometimes. He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed or unhappy over anything, be feels like a failure. Her unHappiness confirms his deepest fear: he is just not good enough. Many women today don't realize how vulnerable men are and how much they need love too. Love helps him to know that he is enough to fulfill others.



当他不快乐或失望时，要他听她说话就变得十分困难，因为他会觉得自己像个失败者。



若男孩很幸运地可以看见他父亲成功地满足母亲，父母之间能亲密沟通，这使他也有信心在结婚后可以成功地满足他的配偶。他不会怕沟通，因他知道自己可以做一个好的传达者。就算不能，他也知道自己能力足够，可以“尽力而为”而得到另一半的爱与感激。他不责备自己，因为他知道他不是十全十美，但总能尽力而为，尽他最大的努力。他也可以为错误道歉，因为他期待谅解、爱和感激。

A young boy who is fortunate enough to see his father succeed in fulfilling his mother enters relationships as an adult with a rare confidence that he can succeed in fulfilling his partner. He is not terrified of commitment because he knows he can deliver. He also knows that when he doesn't deliver he is still adequate and still deserves love and appreciation for doing his best. He does not condemn himself because he knows he is not perfect and that he is always doing his best and his best is good enough. He is able to apologize for his mistakes because he expects forgiveness, love, and appreciation for doing his best.



他知道每个人都会犯错。他看见父亲犯了错但仍爱他自己，也看见母亲原谅了父亲所有的过错。虽然父亲有时对母亲失望，但他感到母亲仍然相信、鼓励父亲。

He knows that everyone makes mistakes. He saw his father make mistakes and continue to love himself. He witnessed his mother loving and forgiving his father through all his mistakes. He felt her trust and encouragement, even though at times his father had disappointed her.



许多男人在成长过程中没有成功的角色典范，而当他们恋爱、结婚、成立家庭后，就像没受训就去驾驶大型喷射机一样困难，他也许可以起飞，但必定会发生碰撞。机身碰撞后数分钟内很难再起飞。若没很好的指导手册，不难了解为何许多男女都放弃了他们的关系。

Many men did not have successful role models while they were growing up. For them staying in love, getting married, and having a family is as difficult as flying a jumbo jet without any training. He may be able to take off, but he is sure to crash. It is difficult to continue flying once you have crashed the plane a few times. Or if you witnessed your father crash. Without a good training manual for relationships, it is easy to understand why many men and women give up on relationships.

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五章  说不同的语言

Chapter 5 Speaking Different Languages



火星人和金星人首次相处时，也碰到了我们今日关系中的许多问题，但跟我们不同的是，他们知道他们原本就是不同的，他们也相信彼此可以解决这些问题。他们成功的秘密之一就是良好的沟通。

When the Martians and Venusians first got together, they encountered many of the problems with relationships we have today. Because they recognized that they were different, they were able to solve these problems. One of the secrets of their success was good communication.



有趣的是，他们因为说不同的语言，所以沟通良好。当他们有问题时，就找翻译帮忙。每个人都知道火星来的人和金星来的人说不同的语言，所以冲突发生时他们不是批评或吵架，而是拿出字典去充分了解彼此，如果无效就请翻译来帮忙。

Ironically, they communicated well because they spoke different languages. When they had problems, they would just go to a translator for assistance. Everyone knew that people from Mars and people from Venus spoke different languages, so when there was a conflict they didn't start judging or fighting but instead pulled out their phrase dictionaries to understand each other more fully. If that didn't work they went to a translator for help.

火星人和金星人的语言所使用的字相同，但却有不同的意思。他们的表达方法相似，却有不同的含义或情感重点，因此很容易彼此误解，所以一有沟通问题或轻微的反抗时，他们会认为那是必然的现象，他们仍会彼此信任及接受对方，这是我们今日不太容易做到的。

You see the Martian and Venusian languages had the same words, but the way they were used gave different meanings. Their expressions were similar, but they had different connotations or emotional emphasis. Misinterpreting each other was very easy. SO when communication problems emerged, they assumed it was just one of those expected misunderstandings and that with a little assistance they would surely understand each other. They experienced a trust and acceptance that we rarely experience today.



EXPRESSING FEELINGS VERSUS EXPRESSING INFORMATION



时至今日，我们仍需翻译者。男女在使用同样的语言时，很少是指同样的意思，譬如女人说：“我觉得你从来没有听我说话。”“从来没有”这样的字眼，女人并不真的当一回事，她只是用来表达她当时的挫折感，而不是把“从来没有”当成实际资料。

Even today we still need translators. Men and women seldom mean the same things even when they use the same words. For example, when a woman says "I feel like you never listen," she does not expect the word never to be taken literally. Using the word never is just a way of expressing the frustration she is feeling at the moment. It is not to be taken as if it were factual information.



女人采取多种最严重的语法、隐喻和概念化如诗般的语言，来表达、强化她们的感觉。男人却把这种表达当真，因为他们不了解内在意思，因而常不表赞同。

TO fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally. Because they misunderstand the intended meaning, they commonly react in an unsupportive manner.

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女人采取多种最严重的语法、隐喻和概念化如诗的语言，来表达她们的感觉。



下表列出十个女人容易引起误解的抱怨，及男人可能有的不赞同反应。

In the following chart ten complaints easily misinterpreted are fisted, as well as how a man might respond unsupportively.





常引起误解的抱怨

TEN COMMON COMPLAINTS THAT ARE EASILY MISINTERPRETED



女人的说法　                                              男人的反应．

Women ‑M things like this                             Men respond like this



我们从来没出去过。                             不对，上个星期我们才出去过。

"We never go out."                       "That's not true. We went out last week."



人家都不注意我。 　                             我相信人家很注意你。．

"Everyone ignores me."            "I'm sure some people notice you."



我累得什么事也不能做了                真荒谬，又不是没人帮你。

"I am so fired, I can't do anything.,'            "That's ridiculous. You are not he~"



我想把所有事都忘得一干二净。        如果你不喜欢你的工作，就辞职算了。

"I want to forget everything."              "If you don't like your Job, then  quit."



房间里老是乱七八糟。                              不是“老是”乱七八糟。

"The house is always a mess."             "It's not always a mess."



再也没人要听我说话了。                           我正在听你说话啊！

"No one listens to me anymore."          "But I am listening to you right now."



没有一件事做得好。                                你是指我做错了吗？

"Nothing is working."                            "Are you saying it is my fault?"



你不再爱我了。                                        我当然爱你，不然怎会跟你在一起。

"You don't love me anymore."              "Of course I do. That's why I'm here."



我们老是匆匆忙忙。                                才没有，这个星期五，我们很轻松呀！

"We are always in a hurry."              "We are not. Friday we were relaxed. "



我想浪漫一点。                                           你是说我不浪漫吗？

"I want more romance."            "Are you saying I am not romantic?"

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你看女人所使用的“字面”意思，多容易误导习惯于陈述事实和资料的男人。我们也看到男人的反应可能会引起争论。两性关系中，不清楚和没有爱心的沟通是最大的问题，即使常被男人误解，女人最常见的抱怨仍是：“你没在听我说话。”

You can see how a "literal" translation of a woman's words could easily mislead a man who is used to using speech as a means of conveying only facts and information. We can also see how a man's responses might lead to an argument. Unclear and unloving communication is the biggest problem in relationships. The number one complaint women have in relationships is: "I don't feel heard." Even this complaint is misunderstood and misinterpreted!



即使常被男人误解，女人最常见的抱怨仍是：“你没在听我说风话。”



男人对“你没在听我说话”的字面解释，使他与她的感觉发生了争论，他以为只要他能重复她说的话，就能证明他在听，因此男人对于女人说“你没在听我说话”的正确解释应该是：“我觉得你没有真的了解我说的意思，或根本不在乎我的感觉，你能告诉我你对我刚才讲的哪部分最有兴趣？”

A man's literal translation of "I don't feel heard" leads him to invalidate and argue with her feelings. He thinks he has heard her if he can repeat what she has said. A translation of a woman saying "I don't feel heard" so that a man could correctly Interpret it is: ‑I feel as though you don't fully understand what I really mean to say or care about how I feel. Would you show me that you are interested in what I have to say?"



如果男人能了解女人抱怨背后的渴望，他就能减少和女人争论，改为积极回应。男女争论时，通常会误解彼此的意思，此时最重要的是再仔细想清楚，或把他们所听到的再翻译一遍。

If a man really understood her complaint then he would argue less and be able to respond more positively. When men and women are on the verge of arguing, they are generally m isunderstanding

each other. At such times, it is important to rethink or translate whatthey have heard.



男人因不了解女人不同的表达方式，而不适当的判断或否定配偶的感觉，因而导致了争论，能透过正确了解来避免许多争论，因倾听时解读的不同而引起任何的抗拒感，不妨参考“金星人／火星人语法辞典”来寻求正确的解释。

Because many men don't understand that women express feelings differently, they inappropriately judge or invalidate their partner's feelings. This leads to arguments. The ancient Martians learned to avoid many arguments through correct understanding. Whenever listening stirred up some resistance, they consulted their Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary for a correct interpretation.

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金星人说话时

WHEN VENUSIANS TALK



以下包含已遗失的“金星人／火星人语法辞典”里对各个句子不同的解释，翻译上面所列的十个抱怨，好让男人能了解她们真正的内在意思，也包含了她希望他如何反应的暗示。

The following section contains various excerpts from the lost Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary. Each of the ten complaints listed above is translated so that a man can understand their real and intended meaning. Each translation also contains a hint of how she wants him to respond.



你看，当金星人难过时，她不只是用概念语言，她也在寻找特别的支持，但她不会直接开口要求支持，因为金星上的每一个人都知道，每一种戏剧性用语都暗示着某种特殊的要求。

You see, when a Venusian is upset she not only uses generalities, and so forth, but also is asking for a particular kind of support. She doesn't directly ask for that support because on Venus everyone knew that dramatic language implied a particular request.



语句经过翻译后都泄露了被隐藏的要求，如果男人倾听女人时，都能辨识出暗示的要求，应要求而反应，她必然会觉得有被倾听与被爱的感觉。

In each of the translations this hidden request for support is revealed. If a man listening to a woman can recognize the implied request and respond accordingly, she will feel truly heard and loved.





金星人／火星人语法辞典

The Venusian/Martinn Phrase Dictionary



F：“我们从来没出去过。”

翻译成火星人可以理解的意思是：“我想要出去，一起做些事。我喜欢和你在一起，我们在一起时总是很快乐，你认为呢？你要不要带我出去吃饭？我们已经有几天没出去了。”

"We never go out" translated into Martian means "I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have such a fun time, and I love being with you. What do you think? Would you take me out to dinner? It has been a few days since we went out."



若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“我们从来没出去过。”时，男人可能会听成：“你没有做你该做的事，多令人失望。我们再也没有一起做些事了，因为你懒惰、没情调、枯燥乏味。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "We never go out" a man may hear "You are not doing your job. What a disappointment you have turned out to be. We never do anything together anymore because you are lazy, unromantic, and just boring."



F：“人家都不注意裁。”

翻译成火星人可以理解的意思是：“今天我觉得被忽视和不被了解，好像没人看我。当然，看我的人也是有的，只是他们好像不在乎我。我想我对你最近的忙碌感到失望。你对工作的认真我虽然感激，但有时觉得我对你而言一点也不重要。我担心你把工作看得比我重要。你能抱着我，告诉我，我对你有多特别吗？”

"Everyone ignores me" translated into Martian means "Today, I am feeling ignored and unacknowledged. I feel as though nobody sees me. Of course I'm sure some people see me, but they don't seem to care about me. I suppose I am also disappointed that you have been so busy lately. I really do appreciate how hard you are working and sometimes I start to feel like I am not important to you. I am afraid your work is more important than me. Would you give me a hug and tell me how special I am to you?"

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若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“人家都不注意我。”时，男人可能会听成：“我很不快乐，得不到别人的注意，每件事都没希望，连你也不注意我，你应该是最爱我的人，但一点也没爱心，你不觉得羞耻吗？我从来没有这样忽略你。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "Everyone ignores me" a man may hear "I am so unhappy. I just can't get the attention I need. Everything is completely hopeless. Even you don't notice me, and you are the person who is supposed to love me. You should be ashamed. You are so unloving. I would never ignore you this way."



　　F：“我累得什么事也不能做了。”

翻译成火星人希望听到的意思是：“我今天做太多了。在做其他事以前，我需要休息。我很幸运，有你支持。你可不可以抱着我，再夸奖我做得很好，并说我应该休息。”

"I am so tired, I can't do anything" translated into Martian means "I have been doing so much today. I really need a rest before I can do anything more. I am so lucky to have your support. Would you give me a hug and reassure me that I am doing a good Job and that I deserve a rest?"



若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“我累得什么事也不能做。”时，男人可能听成：“我做每件事，你却什么也不做，你应该多做点，我无法全部事情一手包办。我觉得很绝望，我要的是与一个“真正的男人”生活。选择你真是天大的错误。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "I am so tired, I can't do anything" a man may hear "I do everything and you do

nothing. You should do more. I can't do it all. I feel so hopeless. I want a 'real man' to live with. Picking you was a big mistake."



F：“我想把所有事都忘得一干二净。”

翻译成火星人能懂的表达应该是：“我要你知道我爱我的工作和生活，但是今天我很慌乱。在我再次负起责任之前，我想做些能真正滋养出自的事。你可以问我出了什么事，然后安静地听我说别提供意见好吗？我只是要你了解我面临的压力，那会使我好过很多，帮助我轻松。明天，我就能再对事情负起责任。”

"I want to forget everything" translated into Martian means "I want you to know that I love my work and my life but today I am so overwhelmed. I would love to do something really nurturing for myself before I have to be responsible again. Would you ask me 'What's the matter?' and then listen with empathy without offering any solutions? I just want to feel you understanding the pressures I feel. It would make me feel so much better. It helps me to relax. Tomorrow I will get back to being responsible and handling things."



若没这样翻译，当女人说：“我想把所有事都忘得一干二净。”时，男人可能会听成：“我得做这么多我不愿意做的事，和你在一起，我一点也不快乐。我要一个可令我生命更丰富的伴侣，你十分不称职。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "I want to forget everything" a man may hear "I have to do so much that I don't want to do. I am so unhappy with you and our relationship. I want a better partner who can make my life more fulfilling. You are doing a terrible job."

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F：“房间里老是乱七八糟。”

翻译成火星人的意思是：“我今天想轻松一下，房里却这么乱，我感到挫折，想休息一下，希望你别期望我打扫房子。你同意这房子稍微乱一点，或愿帮忙清理一部分吗？”

"This house is always a mess" translated into Martian means "Today I feel like relaxing, but the house is so

messy. I am frustrated and I need a rest. I hope you don't expect me to clean it all up. Would you agree with me that it is a mess and then offer to help clean up part of it?"



若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“房里老是乱七八糟。”时，男人可能听成：“这房子因为你才变成乱七八糟，我尽所能地打扫，还没扫干净，你就又把它弄得一塌糊涂，你更是邋遢懒惰，我不要和你住在一起，除非你改变。看你是要清扫房子或自己扫地出门。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "This house is always a mess" a man may hear "This house is a mess because of you. I do everything possible to clean it up, and before I have finished, you have messed it up again. You are a lazy slob and I don't want to live with you unless you change. Clean up or clear out!



　　F：“再也没人要听我说话了。”

翻译成火星人的意思是：“我恐怕让你感到枯燥乏味了，我怕你对我再也没有兴趣了。我今天似乎特别敏感，你可以给我一些特别的注意吗？我今天真难过，觉得好像没有人要听我说话。你会倾听我、继续问我一些支持性的问题吗？像是：。今天发生了什么事？还发生了哪些事？你觉得怎样？你想要什么？你还有其他感受吗？”同时说些关心、了解、安慰的话来支持我，像是：“多说一点。”“你说得对。”“我知道你的意思。”“我了解。”或者只是倾听，在我停顿时偶尔说：“哦。”“嗯。”“哼。”“喔。””(火星人抵达金星前仿佛未听过这些声音)。

"No one listens to me anymore" translated into Martian means "I am afraid I am boring to you. I am

afraid you are no longer interested in me. I seem to be very sensitive today. Would you give me some special attention? I would love it. I've had a hard day and feel as though no one wants to hear what I have to say."Would you listen to me and continue to ask me supportive questions such as: 'What happened today? What else happened? How did you feel? What did you want? How else do you feel?' Also support me by saying caring, acknowledging, and reassuring statements such as: 'Tell me more' or 'That's right' or 'I know what you mean' or 'I understand.' Or just listen, and occasionally when I pause make one of these reassuring sounds: 'oh,"humph,"uh‑huh,' and 'hmmm."' (Note: Martians had never heard of these sounds before arriving on Venus.)



若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“再也没人要听我说话了。”时，男人可能听成：“我时常注意你，但你总是不肯听我说话，你变成一个枯燥乏味的人了，我需要的是能放松、有兴味的人，你已经不是了，你令我失望，既自私又漠不关心。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "No one listens to me anymore" he may hear "I give you my attention but you don't listen to me. You used to. You have become a very boring person to be with. I want someone exciting and interesting and you are definitely not that person. You have disappointed me. You are selfish, uncaring, and bad."

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F:“没有一件事做得好。”

翻译成火星人的意思是：“我今天很慌乱，但很高兴能与你分享我的感觉，让我舒服些。我今天好像没有一件事做得好，我知道这并非实情，但当我被所有我做的事搞得乱七八糟时，我就是这么想。你能抱着我，告诉我，我做得很好吗？这真的会让我好过一点。”

"Nothing is working" translated into Martian means "Today I am so overwhelmed and I am so grateful that I can share my feelings with you. It helps me so much to feel better. Today it seems like nothing I do works. I know that this is not true, but I sure feel that way when I get so overwhelmed by all the things I still have to do. Would you give me a hug and tell me that I am doing a great job. It would sure feel good."



若没这样翻译，当女人说：“没有一件事做得好。”时，男人可能听成：“你从没做对事，我不信任你，我若不是听了你的话，也不会搞得一团糟，别的男人可能可以好好解决事情，你只会愈弄愈糟。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "Nothing is working" a man may hear "You never do anything right. I can't trust you. If I hadn't listened to you I wouldn't be in this mess. Another man would have fixed things, but you made them worse."



　　F：“你不再爱我了。”

翻译成火星人的意思是：“我今天觉得你好像不爱我了，我怕是我把你推开了，我知道你真的爱我，为我做了许多事。我今天就是没有安全感，你能再确定你爱我，并说出这奇妙的三个字吗？你若这么说，我会觉得很舒服。”

"You don't love me anymore" translated into Martian means "Today I am feeling as though you don't love me. I am afraid I have pushed you away. I know you really do love me, you do so much for me. Today I am just feeling a little insecure. Would you reassure me of your love and tell me those three magic words, I love you. When you do that it feels so good."



若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“你不再爱我了。”时，男人可能听成：“我给了你我生命中最好的时光，你却什么也没给我，你在利用我，你既自私又冷酷，你只为了自己做你要做的事，不关心任何人。我真笨才会爱上你。现在我已经一无所有了。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "You don't love me anymore" a man may hear "I have given you the best years of my life, and you have given me nothing. You used me. You are selfish and cold. You do what you want to do, for you and only you. You do not care about anybody. I was a fool for loving you. Now I have nothing."



　　F：“我们老是匆匆忙忙。”

翻译成火星人的意思是：“我觉得今天很匆忙，我不喜欢匆忙，我希望我们的生命不要这么忙碌，我知道这不是谁的错，我也不是责备你，你已尽力让我们准时，我很感激你的关心。你能和我感同身受，并说：“我们老是匆忙，我也不喜欢匆忙。”吗？”

"We are always in a hurry" translated into Martian means "I feel so rushed today. I don't like rushing. I wish our life was not so hurried. I know it is nobody's fault and I certainly don't blame you. I know you are doing your best to get us there on time and I really appreciate how much you care.

"Would you empathize with me and say something like, 'It is hard always rushing around. I don't always like rushing either.`



若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“我们老是匆匆忙忙。”时，男人可能听成：“你没一点责任感，你都等到最后一分钟才肯做事，我和你在一起从没快乐过。为了避免迟到，我们总是匆匆忙忙，我和你在一起时，你每次都把事情搞砸，你不在身边我最快乐了。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "We are always in a hurry" a man may hear "You are so irresponsible. You wait until the last minute to do everything. I can never be happy when I am with you. We are always rushing to avoid being late. You ruin things every time I am with you. I am so much happier when I am not around you."

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F：“我想浪漫一点。”

翻译成火星人的意思是：“甜心，你最近工作得很辛苦，让我们为了自己休息休息，我喜欢没工作压力又没小孩在身边时的轻松感。你很浪漫，可不可以有时候送我花让我惊奇一下，并带我出去约会？我喜欢浪漫。”

"I want more romance" translated into Martian means "Sweetheart, you have been working so hard lately. Lees take some time out for ourselves. I love it when we can relax and be alone without the kids around and no work pressures. You are so romantic. Would you surprise me with flowers sometime soon and take me out on a date? I love being romanced."



若没有这样翻译，当女人说：“我想浪漫一点。”时，男人可能听成：“你不再令我满意，也不能令我欢心了，你的浪漫技巧不足，你从没满足我，我希望你更像我以前认识的男人。”

Without this translation, when a woman says "I want more romance" a man may hear "You don't satisfy me anymore. I am not turned on to you. Your romantic skills are definitely inadequate. You have never really fulfilled me. I wish you were more like other men I have been with."



使用几年这个字典后，男人一觉得被骂或批评时，就不必每次都查字典，他自然会了解女人的想法和感觉，知道这些戏剧性的语言不可当真，而只是女人表达感觉的方法。

After using this dictionary for a few years, a man doesn't need to pick it up each time he feels blamed or criticized. He begins to understand the way women think and feel. He learns that these kinds of dramatic phrases are not to be taken literally. They are just the way women express feeling more fully. That's the way it was done on Venus and people from Mars need to remember that!

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火星人不说话时

WHEN MARTIANS DON'T TALK



男人的最大挑战之一是，女人在谈论她的问题时，能够正确解读正确含义及支持她；女人的最大挑战是，男人不说话时，能够正确解读及支持他。女人最容易误解沉默。女人的最大挑战是，男人不说话时，能够正确解读及支持他。

One of the big challenges for men is correctly to interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn't talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women.



男人常常会停止沟通，变得沉默，但在金星上从没听过这样的事，女人首先想到的是男人聋了，她以为他可能没听到人家谈的话，以致没有回答。

Quite often a man will suddenly stop communicating and become silent. This was unheard of on Venus. At first a woman thinks the man is deaf. She thinks that maybe he doesn't hear what's being said and that is why he is not responding.



男人和女人思考及处理资讯的方法差异甚大。女人把想法说出来，与有兴趣的听众分享她发现内在的过程，甚至今日女人也仍然透过纯粹谈天，发现她要说的内容。这种让想法自由流畅和勇敢表达的过程中，帮助她们进入直觉，有时这方法是十分普遍和特别需要的。

You see men and women think and process information very differently. Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. Even today, a woman often discovers what she wants to say through the process of just talking. This process of just letting thoughts flow freely and expressing them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. This process is perfectly normal and especially necessary sometimes.



男人处理资料的态度却十分不同。他们在谈论或回答之前，就先慎思熟虑一番，或思考他们所听到或经历过的。透过内在思考与沉默，他们找出最正确或有用的回答。他们先在心里衡量规画之后才会表达出来。这过程可能要花上数分钟到数小时。如果他没有足够的资料来帮助他产生答案时，他可能无法全部回答，而这更令女人感到困惑。

But men process information very differently. Before they talk or respond, they first silently "mull over" or think about what they have heard or experienced. Internally and silently they figure out the most correct or useful response. They first formulate it inside and then express it. This process could take from minutes to hours. And to make matters even more confusing for women, if he does not have enough information to process an answer, a man may not respond at all.



当男人沉默时，女人必须了解他说的是：“我还不知道怎么说，但我正在想。”而不是说：“我不要回答，因为我不在乎你，我要忽视你。你对我说的都不重要，所以我不要回答。”

Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying "I don't know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it." Instead what they hear is "I am not responding to you because I don't care about you and I am going to ignore you. What you have said to me is not important and therefore I am not responding."

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她如何回应他的沉默

Now She Reacts to His Silence



女人常误解男人的沉默。若她那天心情不好，可能就会把情况想得很糟“他讨厌我，他不爱我，他永远离开我了。”然后可能触发恐惧：“我怕他一拒绝我就不再爱我了，我不值得被爱。”

Women misinterpret a man's silence. Depending on how she is feeling that day she may begin to imagine the very worst‑"He hates me, he doesn't love me, he is leaving me forever." This may then trigger her deepest fear, which is "I am afraid that if he rejects me then I will never be loved. I don't deserve to be loved."



男人一沉默，女人就容易把情况想得很糟糕，因为女人唯一沉默的时候是她说出去的话令自己受了伤害，或是她不想和不信任的人说话，不愿和他有何瓜葛。男人突然沉默，女人就缺乏安全感，这是一点也不稀奇的事。

When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst because the only times a woman would be silent are when what she had to say would be hurtful or when she didn't want to talk to a person because she didn't trust him anymore and wanted to have nothing to do with hirn. No wonder women become insecure when a man suddenly becomes quiet!



男人一沉默，女人就容易把情况想得很糟糕。



当一个女人听另一个女人讲话时，她会让讲话者知道她正关心地听着，当讲话者停顿时，这女性听者会直觉地回答让讲话者安心的声音，像是：“哦、哼、嗯、啊、喔：…．等。”

When a woman listens to another woman, she will continue to reassure the speaker that she is listening and that she cares. Instinctively when the speaker pauses the female listener will reassure the speaker by making reassuring responses like "oh, uh‑huh, hmmm, ah, ah‑ha, or humph."



男人若不做这些可令对方安心的回应，他的沉默可能就会对女人造成十分严重的威胁。当然，女人透过了解男人的洞穴，就可以正确学到男人沉默的含义，而得以做适当的回应。

Without these reassuring responses, a man's silence can be very threatening. Through understanding a man's cave, women can learn to interpret a man's silence correctly, and to respond to it.

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了解洞穴的存在

Understanding the Cove



在两性关系真正相融之前，女人必须多学习了解男人。她们必须知道，当男人难过或感受压力时，会自动停止谈话，去他们的“洞穴”寻找解答;她们必须知道，即使是他最好的朋友也不能进入洞穴，这是火星上处理压力的方式。女人不必害怕是她们做错了什么事，只要逐渐学习了解，让男人进入洞穴，一段时间后，他出自然会出来，一切都会没问题的。

Women have a lot to learn about men before their relationships can be really fulfilling. They need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to his "cave" to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave, not even the man's best friends. This was the way it was on Mars. Women should not become scared that they have done something terribly wrong. They need gradually to learn that if you just let men go into their caves, after a while they will come out and everything will be fine.



这个学习课程对女人而言十分困难，因为金星上的黄金定律之一是，从不遗弃难过的朋友。当她最心爱的火星人难过时，遗弃他似乎是没有爱心的行为，她会因关心他而想进入他的洞穴帮忙。

This lesson is difficult for women because on Venus one of the golden rules was never to abandon a friend when she was upset. It just doesn't seem loving to abandon her favorite Martian when he is upset. Because she cares for him, a woman wants to come into his cave and offer him help.



另外，她误以为如果她能问一堆和他感觉有关的问题，成为他的好听众，他就会感到舒服一点，但这样做其实只会让火星人更难过。她直觉地想以她希望被支持的方式支持他，用意虽好，但却适得其反。

In addition, she often mistakenly assumes that if she could ask him lots of questions about how he is feeling and he a good listener, then he would feel better. This only upsets Martians more. She instinctively wants to support hirn in the way that she would want to be supported. Her intentions are good, but the outcome is counterproductive.



男人和女人都得停止提供他们自以为是的方法，去学习他们伴侣的思想、感觉及反应的方式。

Both men and women need to stop offering the method of caring they would prefer and start to learn the different ways their partners think, feel, and react.