Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

zilong99j

男人为何进入洞穴中

Why Men 66 bite Their C~



有许多理由会使男人进入洞穴或变得沉默：

　　一、他需要思考一个问题，并寻求这个问题的答案。

　　二、他对问题没有答案。男人从来不会说：“哎呀！我没有答案，我需要到我的洞穴去找。”当他沉默时，别的男人会以为他只是没答案。

　　三、他难过或感到压力时。此时，他必须独处冷静下来发现重新掌握的方法。他不愿做或说会令他后悔的事。

四、他需要寻找自我。当男人恋爱时，这四个理由便显得非常重要。他们有时会迷失或者忘记自己，感觉到过度的亲热剥夺了他们的力量。他们需要调节他们所拥有的亲密关系。不管何时，只要因太亲密而迷失自己时，警钤一响，他们便往洞穴去，结果总能恢复活力，再次寻找到爱与力量。

Men go into their caves or become quiet for a variety of reasons.

I. He needs to think about a problem and find a practical solution to the problem.

2. He doesn't have an answer to a question or a problem. Men were never taught to say "Gee, I don't have an answer. I need to go into my cave and find one." Other men assume he is doing just that when he becomes quiet.

3. He has become upset or stressed. At such times he needs to be alone to cool off and find his control again. He doesn't want to do or say anything he might regret.

4. He needs to find himself. This fourth reason becomes very important when men are in love. At times they begin to lose and forget themselves. They can feel that too much intimacy robs them of their power. They need to regulate how close they get. Whenever they get too close so as to lose themselves, alarm bells go off and they are on their way into the cave. As a result they are rejuvenated and find their loving and powerful self again.





女人为何想说话

Why W~ Talk



　　女人说话，总有许多不同的理由，有时这些理由正是男人停止说话的理由，最常见的有四种：

　　一、传播或搜集资料(这是男人谈话的唯一理由)

　　二、探讨和发现她想说的(男人此时停止说话，往内心寻找想说的。女人则用说话让想法出来)。

　　三、难过时，藉着谈话让自己舒服及集中精神(他难过时则停止说话，在他的洞穴里，他有机会冷静下来)。

四、为了增加亲密。透过分享内在的感觉，她可以确认自己是可爱的(火星人则以停止说话来再次发现口自己。他怕太过亲密会迷失自己)。

Women talk for a variety of reasons. Sometimes women talk for the same reasons that men stop talking. These are four common reasons that women talk:

I. To convey or gather information. (This is generally the only reason a man talks.)

2. To explore and discover what it is she wants to say. (He stops talking to figure out inside what he wants to say. She talks to think out loud.)

3. To feel better and more centered when she is upset. (He stops talking when he is upset. In his cave he has a chance to cool off.)

4. To create intimacy. Through sharing her inner feelings she is able to know her loving self. (A Martian stops talking to find himself again. Too much intimacy, he fears, will rob him of himself.)



若不了解男女需要的不同，我们就常常可见到男女关系中充满了争执。

Without this vital understanding of our differences and needs it is easy to see why couples struggle so much in relationships.

zilong99j

火龙出现了

Getting Burned by the Dragon



在男人还没准备好之前，女人最好不要试图要男人说话，这个认知十分重要。我在演讲时谈论到这个主题，一名印第安人说她部落里的妈妈们，指导年轻妇女结婚后，要记得当男人难过或感受压力时，会孤立起来到他的洞穴去。由于司空见惯，她并不把男人到洞穴当成私人问题。男人到洞穴并不表示不爱她，妈妈们向她保证他会再回来。妈妈们更是谆谆教诲年轻妇女别跟着男人去洞穴，否则会被守在洞口的火龙烧伤。

It is important for women to understand not to try and get a man to talk before he is ready. While discussing this topic in one of my seminars. a Native American shared that in her tribe mothers would instruct young women getting married to remember that when a man was upset or stressed he would withdraw into his cave. She was not to take it personally because it would happen from time to time. It did not mean that he did not love her. They assured her that he would come back. But most important they warned the young woman never to follow him into his cave. If she did then she would get burned by the dragon who protected the cave.



千万匆进入男人的洞穴，否则你会被火龙烧伤。



女人跟随男人进入洞穴，常会引起许多不必要的冲突。这情况是因女人尚未了解男人难过时，真的需要的是独处或沉默。男人孤立到他的洞穴时，女人不明了到底出了什么事，她试着让他讲话，如果有问题，她希望能把他从洞穴中带出来，两人一起讨论，她想教育他。

Much unnecessary conflict has resulted from a woman following a man into his cave. Women just haven't understood that men really do need to be alone or silent when they are upset. When a man

withdraws into his cave a woman just doesn't understand what is happening. She naturally tries to get him to talk. If there is a problem she hopes to nurture him by drawing him out and getting him to talk about it.



　　她问：“出了什么事吗？”他说：“没有。”但她能感觉到他不愉快，她不知道他为何压抑自己的感觉。她没让他在洞穴里解决问题，她擅自解释他的内在过程。再问：“我知道一定有些问题困扰你，是什么事？”

　　他说：“没什么事。”

　　她问：“没什么事？一定有事困扰你，你觉得怎样？”

　　他说：“听着，我很好，请让我一个人静一静。”

她说：“你怎么可以这样对待我？你不再和我讲话了。我这样积极想了解你的想法，你却不爱我了，我觉得你在拒绝我。”

She asks "Is there something wrong?" He says "No." But she can feel he is upset. She wonders why he is withholding his feelings. Instead of letting him work it out inside his cave she unknowingly interrupts his internal process. She asks again "I know something is bothering you, what is it?"

He says "It's nothing."

She asks "It's not nothing. Something's bothering you. What are you feeling?"

He says "Look, I'm fine. Now leave me alone!"

She says "How can you treat me like this? You never talk to me anymore. How am I supposed to know what you are feeling? You don't love me. I feel so rejected by you."



这时他失去控制，开始讲些会让自己以后后悔的话。他的火龙出来烧伤她了。

At this point he loses control and begins saying things that he will regret later. His dragon comes out and hums her.

zilong99j

WHEN MARTIANS DO TALK



女人受烧伤不只是她们无知地侵犯了男人内省的时间，也是她们误解了他警告她们他正在洞穴中或正往洞穴途中的表达。女人问：“出了什么事？”火星人简短的说：“没事。”或“我很好。”这些简短讯号是金星人知道给他空间独自解决困扰的唯一方法。男人以沉默代替说明：“我很难过，我需要独处的时间。”

Women get burned not only when they unknowingly invade a man's introspective time but also when they misinterpret his expressions, which are generally warnings that he is either in his cave or on his way to the cave. When asked "What's the matter?" a Martian will say something brief like "It's nothing" or "I am OK."

These brief signals are generally the only way a Venusian knows to give him space to work out his feelings alone. Instead of saying "I am upset and I need some time to be alone," men just become quiet.



下表列了六个常见的简短警告讯号，同时也列出女人此时常表现出无辜的、不支持的强制性回应。

In the following chart six commonly expressed abbreviated warning signals are fisted as well as how a woman might unknowingly respond in an intrusive and unsupportive manner:



六个常见的简短警告讯号

SIX COMMON ABBREVIATED WARNING SIGNALS



当女人问：“出了什么事？”

When a woman asks "What's the matter?"



男人可能说                                                 女人可能回答．

A Man ‑Ms                                         A woman M respond

“我没怎样。”或“没什么。”                “我知道一定有事，是什么事？”                           

"I'm OK" or "It's OK.'                           " I know something's wrong. What is it?"

“我很好。”或“万事顺利。”                 “但你似乎很难过，我们谈谈吧！”   

"I'm fine" or "It's fine."                          "But you seem upset. Let's talk."

“没事。”                             　　        “我知道一定有事困扰你，我想帮你，到底是什么事？”

"It's nothing."                                     "I want to help. I know something is bothering you. What is it?"

“一切都很好。”或“我没事。”             “真的吗？我很乐意帮助你。”

"It's all right" or "I'm all right."               "Are you sure? I am happy to help you."

“没什么大不了的事。”            　　   “但有事让你难过，我想我们需要谈一谈。”

"It's no big deal."                          "But something is upsetting you. I think we should talk. "

“没问题。”                                          “但是我知道有问题，我可以帮忙。”

"It's no problem."                              "But it is a problem. I could help."

zilong99j

当男人有上述简短的话语时，通常表示他需要安静的空间。这事偶尔发生时，金星人为了避免误解和不必要的恐慌，可以参考“火星人／金星人语法辞典”，若没有辞典的帮忙，女人会误解这些简短的表达。

When a man makes one of the above abbreviated comments he generally wants silent acceptance or space. At times like this, to avoid misinterpretation and unnecessary panic, the Venusians consulted their Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary. Without this assistance, women misinterpret these abbreviated expressions.



女人必须知道当男人说：“我没事。”时，即是男人简短的叙述他的真正意思，意思是：“我没事，因为我可以独自解决事情。我不需要任何帮忙，请以不要打扰我的方式来帮忙我。相信我能独力解决所有事。”

Women need to know that when a man says "I am OK" it is an abbreviated version of what he really means, which is "I am OK because I can deal with this alone. I do not need any help. Please support me by not worrying about me. Trust that I can deal with it all by myself."



若没这样翻译，当他难过地说：“我没事。”时，女人听来会觉得好像他在克制感觉或问题，然后女人企图以提问题、谈论问题来帮助他。她不知道他说的是简短的语言。以下是他们字典的摘录。

Without this translation, when he is upset and says "I am OK" it sounds to her as if he is denying his feelings or problems. She then attempts to help him by asking questions or talking about what she thinks the problem is. She does not know that he is speaking an

abbreviated language. The following are excerpts from their phrase dictionary.

zilong99j

火星人／金星人语法辞典

The Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary

　　M：“我没怎样。”

　　翻译成金星人想听的意思是：“我没怎样，我可以处理我的难过，我不需要任何帮忙，谢谢。”

若没有这样翻译，当他说：“我没怎样。”时，她可能听成：“我不难过，因为我根本不在乎。”或者她可能听成：“我不愿和你分享我的难过感觉。我不信任你会为我着想。”

"I'm OK" translated into Venusian means "I am OK, I can deal with my upset. I don't need any help, dunk you."

Without this translation, when he says "I am M' she may hear "I am not upset because I do not care" or she may hear ‑I am not willing to share with you my upset feelings. I do not trust you to be there for me."

　　M：“我很好。”

　　翻译成金星人能懂的意思是：“我很好，因为我成功地处理我的难过或问题。我不需要任何帮助，如果我需要，我会要求。”

若没有这样翻译，当他说：“我很好。”时，她可能听成：“我不在乎出了什么事。这问题对我不重要，就算它令你难过，我也不在乎。”

"Im fine" translated into Venusian means "I am fine because I am successfully dealing with my upset or problem. I don't need any help. If I do I will ask."

Without this translation, when he says "I am fine" she may hear "I don't care about what has happened. This problem is not important to me. Even if it upsets you, I don't care."



　　M：“没事。”

　　翻译成金星人的意思是：“没有什么困扰我的事是我不能掌握的。请别再问我任何和它有关的事。”

若没有这样翻译，当他说：“没什么事困扰我。”时，她可能听成：“我不知道什么困扰我，我需要你问我问题，好帮助我发现发生了什么事。”基于这个观点，当他想独处时，女人反而因提问题而激怒了他。

"It's nothing" translated into Venusian means "Nothing is bothering me that I cannot handle alone. Please don't ask any more questions about it."

Without this translation, when he says "Nothing is bothering me" she may hear "I don't know what is bothering me. I need you to ask me questions to assist me in discovering what is happening." At this point she proceeds to anger him by asking questions when he really wants to be left alone.



　　M：“一切都很好。”

　　翻译成金星人的意思是：“有问题，可是你没有责备我。如果你不要问太多问题或提供建议，我可以自己做决定。你只要当它没发生，我可以更有效率地把问题处理掉。”

若没有这样翻译，当他说：“一切都很好。”时，她可能听成：“事情本来就该如此，不需做什么改变。你能虐待我，我也能虐待你。”或者听成：“这次一切都很好，但记住，你是犯了错。你可以犯一次错，但不可再犯。”

"It's all right" translated into Venusian means 'This is a problem but you are not to blame. I can resolve this within myself if you don't interrupt my process by asking more questions or offering suggestions. just act

like it didn't happen and I can process it within myself more effectively."

Without this translation, when he says "It's all right" she may hear "This is the way it is supposed to be. Nothing needs to be changed. You can abuse me and I can abuse you" or she hears "It's all right this time, but remember it is your fault. You can do this once but don't do it again or else. "

zilong99j

M：“没什么大不了的事。”

　　翻译成金星人的意思是：“没什么大不了，因为我可以让事情再次顺利。请不要拘泥或谈论这个问题，那会令我更难过。我接受解决这问题的责任，我很乐意解决。”

若没这样翻译，当他说：“没什么大不了的事。”时，她可能听成：“你是没事找事，和你有关的事没什么重要，不必反应过火。”

"It's no big deal" translated into Venusian means "It is no big deal because I can make things work again. Please don't dwell on this problem or talk more about it. That makes me more upset. I accept responsibility for solving this problem. It makes me happy to solve it."

Without this translation, when he says "It's no big deal" she may hear "You are making a big deal out of nothing. What concerns you is not important. Don't overreact."



　　M：“没问题。”

　　翻译成金星人的意思是：“做这件事或解决这个问题对我而言很轻易，我很乐意提供这礼物给你。”

若没有这样翻译，当他说：“没问题。”时，她可能听成：“根本没问题，为何你认为有问题或要寻求帮忙呢？”然后她可能错误地解释为何她认为它是问题。

"It's no problem" translated into Venusian means "I have no problem doing this or solving this problem. It is my pleasure to offer this gift to you."

Without this translation, when he says "It's no problem" she may hear 'This is not a problem. Why are you making it a problem or asking for help?" She then mistakenly explains to him why it is a problem.



当男人精简他们所要说的话时，使用“火星人／金星人语法辞典”可帮助女人了解男人真正的意思。有时，他真正说的和她听到的正好相反。

Using this Martian/Venusian Phrase Dictionary can assist women in understanding what men really mean when they abbreviate what they are saying. Sometimes what he is really saying is the opposite of what she hears.

zilong99j

如何支持正在洞穴中的男人

WHAT TO DO WHEN HE GOES INTO HIS CAVE



我在解释洞穴与火龙时，女人们想知道如何才能缩短男人在洞穴的时间。我要求男人基于这个观点回答，他们大体上说，女人愈要他们讲话或出来，他们留在里面的时间就愈久。

In my seminars when I explain about caves and dragons, women want to know how they can shorten the time men spend in their caves. At this point I ask the men to answer, and they generally say that the more women try to get them to talk or come out, the longer it takes.



男人另一个普遍说法是：“当配偶不同意我留在洞穴时，我就很难走出洞穴。”想使男人在洞穴中有罪恶感，反而促使想出洞的男人又回到他的洞穴里。男人去洞穴通常是因受了创伤或压力，想独自在洞穴里解决问题，女人此时想用自己的方法支持他，反而会得到反效果。

Another common comment by men is "It is hard to come out of the cave when I feel my mate disapproves of the time I spend in the cave." To make a man feel wrong for going into his cave has the effect of pushing him back into the cave even when he wants to come out. When a man goes into his cave he is generally wounded or stressed and is trying to solve his problem alone. To give him the support that a woman would want is counterproductive.



这里有六项支持的方法，给他这些支持同时可缩短他在洞穴里的时间。

There are basically six ways to support him when he goes into his cave. (Giving him this support will also shorten the time he needs to spend alone.) Now to Supped a Man in His Cove



　　一、不要反对他想孤立的需求。

　　二、不要试图提供解答来帮助他解决他的问题。

　　三、不要以问他的感觉来试图教育他。

　　四、不要坐在洞穴边等待他出来。

　　五、别担心他，也不要对他表示抱歉。

六、做些可令你出自己快乐的事。

I. Don't disapprove of his need for withdrawing.

2. Don't try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.

3. Don't try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.

4. Don't sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out.

5. Don't worry about him or feel sorry for him.

6. Do something that makes you happy.

zilong99j

如果你需要“讲话”，就写一封信给他，让他出洞穴时读，如果你需要安慰，就和朋友谈谈话，不要把他视为令你满足的唯一来源。

If you need to "talk," write him a letter to he read later when he is out, and if you need to be nurtured, talk to a friend. Don't make him the sole source of your fulfillment.

男人要他最喜爱的金星人相信他能排解困扰他的事，这对他的荣誉、骄傲、自尊十分重要。怛她却很难不担心他。担心别人是女人表达爱与关心的方式，女人觉得，当你所爱的人难过时，你似乎不应该快乐。他当然不想看到她快乐，因为他正在难过，但他真的要她快乐，只要她快乐，他就少了一件担心的事。她的快乐使他感觉到她的爱。当女人快乐、没有烦恼时，男人更容易走出洞穴。

A man wants his favorite Venusian to trust that be can handle what is bothering him. To be trusted that he can handle his problems is very important to his honor, pride, and self‑esteem.Not worrying about him is difficult for her. Worrying for others is one way women express their love and caring. It is a way of showing love. For a woman, being happy when the person you love is upset just doesn't seem right. He certainly doesn't want her to be happy because he is upset, but he does want her to be happy. He wants her to be happy so that he has one less problem to worry about. In addition he wants her to be happy because it helps him to feel loved by her. When a woman is happy and free from worry, it is easier for him to come out.



有趣的是，男人则以不担心来表示他们的爱。男人会反问：“你怎么会担心你喜爱及信任的人？”他们通常会说这样的话来支持对方：“别烦恼，你一定可以排解。”或“那是他们的问题，不是你的。”或“我相信事情可以解决。”男人以不担忧或减少他们的麻烦来支持他人。

Ironically men show their love by not worrying. A man questions "How can you worry about someone whom you admire and trust?" Men commonly support one another by saying phrases such as "Don't worry, you can handle it" or "That's their problem, not yours" or "I'm sure it will work out." Men support one another by not worrying or minimizing their troubles.



我费了好多年才知道我太太在难过时，希望我担心她。若不警觉我们的要求不同，我会轻视了关心她的重要，只会使她更难过。

It took me years to understand that my wife actually wanted me to worry for her when she was upset. Without this awareness of our different needs, I would minimize the importance of her concerns. This only made her more upset.

zilong99j

男人去洞穴通常是试着解决问题，如果他的配偶此时既快乐又不需要他，在他出洞穴前，可少一件待解决的问题。知道她乐于和他相处，可让他在洞穴里更有力量处理自己的问题。

When a man goes into his cave he is generally trying to solve a problem. If his mate is happy or not needy at this time, then he has one less problem to solve before coming out. Knowing that she is happy with him also gives him more strength to deal with his problem while in the cave.



任何可使她分心又高兴的事都对他有益。以下有些活动可以尝试：

Anything that distracts her or helps her to feel good will be helpful to him. These are some examples:



．阅读／找资料．听音乐．做做园艺工作．运动．看电视或录影带．听自我成长录音带．犒赏自己美食．打电话和朋友谈心．写日记．逛街买束西．祈祷或计画事项．散步．泡澡／三温暖．看心理治疗师、参加工作坊

Read a book    Call a girlfriend for a good chat     Listen to music    Work in the garden       Write in a journal

Exercise    Go shopping    Get a massage    Pray or meditate   Listen to self‑ improvement tapes       Go for a walk Take a bubble bath    Treat yourself to something delicious   See a therapist    Watch TV or a video



火星人也推荐金星人做些可让她们高兴的事。金星人在朋友受创伤时很难开心，但她们有她们的方法，每当她们最爱的火星人去洞穴时，她们就去买束西或出门旅行。金星人喜欢买东西，我太太邦妮有时也利用这个技巧，当她看见我在洞穴时，她就去逛街买东西。我从来不觉得该为我火星人的一面感到抱歉。当她能照顾自己时，我也觉得能安心的在洞穴里。她相信我会调整自己，然后更具爱心地回到她身边。

The Martians also recommended that the Venusians do sornething enjoyable. It was hard to conceive of being happy when a friend was hurting, but the Venusians did find a way. Every time their favorite Martian went into his cave, they would go shopping or out on some other pleasing excursion. Venusians love to shop. My wife, Bonnie, sometimes uses this technique. When she sees I am in my cave, she goes shopping. I never feel like I have to apologize for my Martian side. When she can take care of herself I feel OK taking care of myself and going into my cave. She trusts that I will come back and be more loving.



她知道我去洞穴时，不是谈话的好时机。当我表示对她有兴趣时，她便知道我已走出洞穴，可以开始交谈了。有时她漫不经心地说：“你想说话时，我才乐意花时间和你在一起。可以让我知道你何时想说话吗？”这样，她不必要求就可以测试答案了。

She knows that when I go into my cave is not the right time to talk. When I begin showing signs of interest in her, she recognizes that I am coming out of the cave, and it is then a time to talk. Sometimes she will casually say, "When you feel like talking, I would like to spend some time together Would you let me know when?" In this way she can test the waters without being pushy or demanding.

zilong99j

如何支持火星人

NOW TO COMMUNICATE SUPPORT TO A MARTIAN



男人出了洞穴后也想被信任，他们不喜欢非恳求的忠告或同情。他们要证明自己的能力，不需外力帮忙就可完成事情是他们最大的荣耀(但是对女人而言，有人来帮忙她，和她建立支持关系，才是她最大的荣耀)。男人在女人说下面这些话时，才感到受支持：“除非你要求帮忙，否则我相信你能排解事情。”

Even when they are out of the cave men want to be trusted. They don't like unsolicited advice or empathy They need to prove themselves. Being able to accomplish things without the help of others is a feather in their cap. (While. for a woman, when someone assists her, having a supportive relationship is a feather in her cap.) A man feels supported when a woman communicates in a way that says "I trust you to handle things unless you directly ask for help."



要这样支持男人，刚开始时很困难。许多女人觉得她们想在两性关系中获取所需的唯一方式，是批评男人的错误及提供未经恳求的忠告。若没有一个知道如何支持丈夫的母亲角色为模范，女人往往不懂该如何直接鼓励男人给她们支持——不经批评或提供忠告。另外，她不喜欢男人的表现方式时，她也不懂该如何不加以指责而直接告诉他，她不喜欢他的表现。

Learning to support men in this way can be very difficult in the beginning. Many women feel that the only way they can get what they need in a relationship is to criticize a man when he makes mistakes and to offer unsolicited advice. Without a role model of a mother who knew how to receive support from a man, it does not occur to women that they can encourage a man to give more by directly asking for support‑without being critical or offering advice. In addition, if he behaves in a manner that she does not like she can

simply and directly tell him that she doesn't like his behavior, without casting judgment that he is wrong or bad.



勿以批评或忠告接近男人

Now to Approach a Man With Criticism or Advice



若不了解男人会因非恳求的忠告和批评而避开，许多女人会觉得无能为力向男人获取所需。南茜对两性关系感到挫折，她说：“我一直不知道如何以批评和忠告接近男人。如果他的餐桌礼仪很恶劣或穿得很差劲怎么办？如果他是个好人，但是他和别人在一起的行径看来像个笨蛋，使他和别人相处有了麻烦，那该怎么办？我该怎么做？不管我告诉他什么，他总是生气或抵抗或不理我。”

Without an understanding of how they are turning men off with unsolicited advice and criticism, many women feel powerless to get what they need and want from a man. Nancy was frustrated in her relationships. She said, "I still don't know how to approach a man with criticism and advice. What if his table manners are atrocious or he dresses really, really badly? What if he's a nice guy but you see he's got a pattern of behaving with people in a way that makes him look like a jerk and that's causing him trouble In relationships with others? What should I do? No matter how I tell him, he gets angry or defensive or just ignores me."



答案是，除非他要求，否则不要给与批评或忠告。她也应该以爱接受他，这才是他所需的，而非长篇大论。他只会在她接受他时，才会问她的想法。但是，只要他发现她在命令他改变，他就不再请求她的忠告或建议。尤其在亲密关系中，互相开放寻求支持前，男人必须觉得很有安全感。

The answer is that she should definitely not offer criticism or advice unless he asks. Instead, she should try giving him loving acceptance. This is what he needs, not lectures. As he begins to feel her acceptance, he will begin to ask what she thinks. If, however, he detects her demanding that he change, he will not ask for advice or suggestions. Especially in an intimate relationship, men need to feel very secure before they open up and ask for support.

zilong99j

另外，女人如果无法从男人那里获取所需，她必须与他分享她的感觉和提出要求(不要给忠告或批评)，耐心地等待他的成长与改变。这是一门需要细心与创造力的艺术，以下有四个可能的方法：

In addition to patiently trusting her partner to grow and change, if a woman is not getting what she needs and wants, she can and should share her feelings and make requests (but again without giving advice or criticism). This is an art that requires caring and creativity" These are four possible approaches:



一、女人可以不用长篇大论地告诉男人，她不喜欢他的服装品味。当他穿衣服时，她可以漫不经心地说：“我不喜欢你穿这件衬衫，你今晚可不可以穿另一件？”如果他因此困扰，她可以尊重他的敏感，并表示抱歉。她可以说：“对不起，我不是要教你如何穿着。”

I. A woman can tell a man that she doesn't We the way he dresses without giving him a lecture on how to dress. She could say casually as he is getting dressed "I don't like that shirt on you. Would you wear another one tonight?" If he is annoyed by that comment, then she should respect his sensitivities and apologize. She could say "I'm sorry‑I didn't mean to tell you how to dress."



二、如果他很敏感(有许多男人是这样的)，她可以利用别的时候谈。她可以说：“记得你穿过的蓝衬衫和绿裤子吗？我不喜欢那种组合，你可不可以换成配灰裤子呢？”

2. If he is that sensitive‑and some men are‑then she could try talking about it at another time. She could say "Remember that blue shirt you wore with the green slacks? I didn't like that combination. Would you try wearing it with your gray slacks?"



三、她可以直接问：“我可不可以哪天带你去采购？我想替你挑些日用品。”假如他说不，可见得他不需要母亲似的女人。假如他说好，记得别提出太多忠告。谨记在这方面他是敏感的。

3. She could directly ask "Would you let me take you shopping one day? I would love to pick out an outfit for you." If he says no, then she can be sure that he doesn't want any more mothering. If he says yes, be sure not to offer too much advice. Remember his sensitivities.



四、她可以说：“我想跟你说些事，但不知道怎么开口(停顿)。我不想让你不高兴，但我真的很想说。你能仔细听并建议我怎么说才好吗？”如此可帮助他有心理准备，不致受到太大冲击，然后他才能惊讶地发现，事情并没有太复杂。

4. She could say "There is something I want to talk about but I don't know how to say it. [Pause.] I don't want to offend you, but I also really want to say it. Would you listen and then suggest to me a better way I could say it?" This helps him to prepare himself for the shock and then he happily discovers that it is not such a big deal.

zilong99j

让我们探讨另一个例子。她若不喜欢他的餐桌礼仪，他们独处时，她可以说(不要用反对的眼光看他)：“你可以用你的银餐具吗？”或“可不可以用杯子喝？”如果有别人在场，最好不要说，也不要注意。改天才说：“我不喜欢你用手抓东西吃。我很在乎这些小事，我们一起用餐时，你可不可以用你的银餐具？”

Let's explore another example. If she doesn't like his table manners and they are alone, she could say (without a disapproving look) "Would you use your silverware?" or "Would you drink from your glass?" If, however, you are in front of others, it is wise to say nothing and not even notice. Another day you could say "Would you use your silverware when we eat in front of the kids?" or "When you eat with your fingers, I hate it. I get so picky about these little things. When you eat with me, would you use your silverware?"



他若做出令你难为情的事，等到没外人在身边时才告诉他你的感觉。不要告诉他“应该怎么做”或他做错了什么，而是简短诚恳的说出感受。你可以说：“前几天晚上聚会时，我不喜欢你讲话那么大声。我在乎你的态度，你可不可以讲小声一点？”如果他因此难过或不喜欢你的说话，你再为此批评道歉。

If he behaves in a way that embarrasses you, wait for a time when no one else is around and then share your feelings. Don't ten him how he "should behave" or that he is wrong; instead share honest feelings in a loving and brief way. You could say "The other night at the party, I didn't like it when you were so loud. When I'm around, would you try to keep it down?" If he gets upset and doesn't like this comment, then simply apologize for being critical.



This art of giving negative feedback and asking for support is discussed thoroughly in chapters 9 and I2. In addition, the best times for having these conversations is explored in the next chapter.

zilong99j

男人需要被信任

When a Man Doesn't Need Help



当女人试图安慰或帮助男人解决问题时，他可能会觉得透不过气来。他觉得她不相信他能出自行排解问题，好像把他当孩子一般想改变他。

A man may start to feel smothered when a woman tries to comfort him or help him solve a problem. He feels as though she doesn't trust him to handle his problems. He may feel controlled, as if she is treating him like a child, or he may feel she wants to change him.



这不表示男人不需要爱的慰藉。女人必须了解，她们正以男人排斥的方式教育他，那就是提供非请求的忠告替他解决问题。男人确实需要爱的支持，但不是她所想的那一套。教育他的正确方式是克制纠正或改进他的意图，只有在他直接发出请求时，才可以给与忠告。

This doesn't mean that a man does not need comforting love. Women need to understand that they are nurturing him when they abstain from offering unsolicited advice to solve his problems. He needs her loving support but in a different way than she thinks. To withhold correcting a man or trying to improve him are ways to nurture him. Giving advice can be nurturing only if he directly as s for it.



男人只有在独力完成他能做的部分后，才会请求忠告或帮忙。如果他收到太多帮忙，或接收得太快，他会失去力量与动力，变得容易懒散或没有安全感。男人天生就以不给忠告或帮忙来支持别人，除非对方发出特殊的请求。

A man looks for advice or help only after he has done what he can do alone. If he receives too much assistance or receives it too soon, he will lose his sense of power and strength. He becomes either lazy or insecure. Instinctively men support one another by not offering advice or help unless specifically approached and asked.



男人处理问题时，知道必须先保持距离，有必要时再在不失力量、动力和尊严的情况下请求帮忙。在错误时机提供帮忙，他会觉得那是种侮辱。

In coping with problems, a man knows he has to first go a certain distance by himself, and then if he needs help he can ask for it without losing his strength, power, and dignity. To offer help to a man at the wrong time could easily be taken as an insult.



如果配偶在感恩节时站在一旁指导该如何切火鸡，他会觉得不受信任，因此不但会反抗她，还会执意要按出自己的方法去切，相反的，如果男人指导女人该如何切火鸡，她会觉得他在乎她、爱她。

When a man is carving the turkey for Thanksgiving and his partner keeps offering advice on how and what to cut, he feels mistrusted. He resists her and is determined to do it his way on his own. On the other hand, if a man offers her assistance in cutting the turkey she feels loved and cared for.



当女人建议男人遵循某些专家的忠告时，男人可能会很生气。我记得有位女士问我，为何她先生对她生那么大的气。她向我解释，当他们做爱前，她请求先生先复习我的录音带上提及男欢女爱的秘密。她不晓得这么做是侮辱了他。虽然他很感激这个录影带，但并不需要她提醒他找录影带上的忠告。他要她相信他知道该怎么做！

When a woman suggests that her husband follow the advice of some expert, he may be offended. I remember one woman asking me why her husband got so angry at her. She explained to me that before

sex she had asked him if he had reviewed his notes from a taped lecture by me on the secrets of great sex. She didn't realm this was the ultimate insult to him. Although he had appreciated the tapes, he didn't want her telling him what to do by reminding him to follow my advice. He wanted her to trust that he knew what to do!

zilong99j

女人要“关心”，男人要“信任”。当男人面带关怀地对女人说：“亲爱的，出了什么事？”时，女人会觉得很安慰。但当女人以同样的关爱问：“亲爱的，出了什么事？”时，他可能会觉得受侮辱或自己失败了，以为她不相信他能排解事情。

While men want to be trusted, women want caring. When a man says to a woman "What's the matter, honey?" with a concerned look on his face, she feels comforted by his caring. When a woman in a similar caring and concerned way says to a man "What's the matter, honey?" he may feel insulted or repulsed. He feels as though she doesn't trust him to handle things.



男人很难分辨同理心与同情的区别，他讨厌人家的怜悯，女人若说：“很抱歉伤害了你。”他会说：“没关系。”并拒绝她的支持。相反的，她喜欢听到他说：“很抱歉伤害了你。一她觉得这是真正的关心。男人必须设法表示关心，女人必须设法表示信任。

It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hates to be pitied. A woman may say "I am so sorry I hurt you." He will say "It was no big deal" and push away her support. She on the other hand loves to hear him say "I'm sorry I hurt you." She then feels he really cares. Men need to find ways to show they care while women need to find ways to show they trust.



男人很难分辨同理心与同情的区别，他讨厌人家的怜悯。





过度的关心令男人窒息

Too Much Caring Is Smothering



我和邦妮初结婚时，在我离城主持一个周末研讨会的前一晚，她问我打算何时起床，何时搭机，然后她心里估计一番，警告我预留的时间不够。她以为这样做是支持我，我却不以为然，我感到生气。我到全世界旅行授课已经十四年了，从来没有错过任何一班飞机。

When I first married Bonnie, the night before I would leave town to teach a weekend seminar, she would ask me what time I was getting up. Then she would ask what time my plane left. Then she would do some mental figuring and warn me that I hadn't left enough time to catch my plane. Each time she thought she was supporting me, but I didn't feel it. I felt offended. I had been traveling around the world for fourteen years teaching courses, and I had never missed a plane.



隔日清晨离开前，她问了一连串的问题，像是：“票带了吗？皮夹带了吗？钱够不够？有没有带袜子？知不知道在哪里停留？”她以为她爱我，我却觉得很烦、不受信任。最后我告诉她，很谢谢她的关爱，但我不喜欢人家噜噜嗦嗦。

Then in the morning, before I left, she asked me a string of questions such as, "Do you have your ticket? Do you have your wallet? Do you have enough money? Did you pack socks? Do you know where you are staying?" She thought she was loving me, but I felt mistrusted and was annoyed. Eventually I let her know that I appreciated her loving intention but that I didn't like being mothered in this way.



我坦诚地说，如果她要噜嗦，我希望那是无条件的爱与信任的噜嗦。我说：“如果我错过了飞机，不要告诉我：“我早警告你了。”请相信我会自我学习和适应。如果我忘了带牙刷或刮胡刀，让我自己处理，别在我打电话回来时告诉我。”让她了解我所需要的，可帮助她成功地支持我。

I shared with her that if she wanted to mother me, then the way I wanted to be mothered was to be unconditionally loved and trusted. I said, "If I miss a plane, don't tell me 'I told you so.' Trust that I will learn my lesson and adjust accordingly. If I forget my toothbrush or shaving kit, let me deal with it. Don't tell me about it when I call." With an awareness of what I wanted, instead of what she would have wanted, it was easier for her to succeed in supporting me.

zilong99j

A Success Story



有一回，在往瑞典教两性关系研讨会的旅途上，我从纽约打电话回加州，通知邦妮我忘了带护照。她表现得体，没有教训我该有责任点，反而笑说：“天啊，约翰，你在冒险，你打算做什么？”

Once, on a trip to Sweden to teach my relationship seminar, I called back to California from New York, informing Bonnie that I had left my passport at Home. She reacted in such a beautiful and loving way. She didn't lecture me on being more responsible. Instead she laughed and said, "Oh my goodness, john, you have such adventures. What are you going to do? "



我请她将我的护照传真到瑞典领事馆，问题就解决了。她十分合作，没教训我该准备周全，甚至以我能发现解决问题的方法为荣。

I asked her to fax my passport to the Swedish consulate, and the problem was solved. She was so cooperative. Never once did she succumb to lecturing me on being more prepared. She was even proud of me for finding a solution to my problem.





做点口语小改变

MAKING LITTLE CHANGES



有天我注意到，每当孩子要求我做些事时，我总是说：“没问题。”那是我乐意从事的表现方式。我女儿茱莉有天问我：“你为什么老是说“没问题”？”我当时不知道，事后想想，才知道这是火星人另一个根深柢固的习惯。有了这个新体会，我便改口说：“我很乐意去做。”这句话暗含了我的意思，并能使我的金星女儿感到高兴。

One day I noticed that when my children asked me to do things I would always say "no problem." It was my way of saying I would be happy to do that. My stepdaughter Julie asked me one day, "Why do you always say 'no problem'?" I didn't actually know right away. After a while I realized that it was another of those deeply ingrained Martian habits. With this new awareness I started saying "I would be happy to do that." This phrase expressed my implied message and certainly felt more loving to my Venusian daughter.



这个例子象征了增进两性关系的重要秘密。不必牺牲自我就可以做点小改变。这是火星人和金星人成功的秘密。为了增进两性关系，我们必须有些小改变。大改变通常需要压抑自我本性，那不是好现象。男人女人都小心翼翼不愿牺牲天性，但也愿意在互相影响之下做些小改变。他们学习如何增加或改变一小部分简单的辞句，促使关系更坚固。



男人进入洞穴时，给她安心的保证，是不必扭曲天性的小改变。在做这种改变之前，他必须先知道，女人真的需要一些可令她们安心的保证，尤其是在她们没有烦恼，不能体会那种感觉时。若不了解男女这点的不同，他就无法理解为何他的突然沉默会使她忧心仲仲。只要给些安心的保证，就会改变这种情况。



相反的，如果他不知道他与女人之间的不同，在她因他想进入洞穴而难过时，他可能为了讨好她而放弃进入洞穴，那就大错特错了。如果他放弃洞穴(隐藏真性)，他会变得易怒、过度敏感、防卫性高、软弱、消极或自惭形秽，他不知道为何会变得事事不如意，事情就愈弄愈糟了。



女人因他要进洞穴而难过时，男人可以做些小改变以取代放弃洞穴，问题也可获得减轻。他不需隐藏真性，也不需排斥天生的男子气概。

zilong99j

如何支持金星人

　　如前所讨论，男人进入洞穴或沉默时会说：“我需要一点时间来想这个问题，请不要跟我说话，我会回来。”他不知道女人可能会听成：“我不爱你，我不要站在这里听你说，我要离开了，永远不要回来。”为了去除她的误解，就需要给她正确的讯息，男人可学着说这奇异的四个字：“我会回来。”

　　女人会感谢男人离去时表白：“我需要一点时间来想这问题，我会回来。”多简单奇异的“我会回来”，就会令事情全然改观。

　　男人若知道这种安慰对女人十分重要，他一定会记得毫不吝啬的给与。

　　女人若觉得被她父亲遗弃、排斥，或她母亲觉得被她丈夫排斥，她(这孩子)对遗弃就会很敏感，在这种情况下，她需要安慰与保证的心情更不该受到批判；同样的，男人去洞穴的需要也不该被责难。

　　人们常常不以为女人需要安慰，也不以为男人需要孤立。

　　“

　　女人若能减少过去的伤害，或能了解男人需要花时间在洞穴里，她就不需要太多的安慰。

　　我记得在某个研讨会上论及这点时，一位女士问：“我对先生的沉默很敏感，但不会像小孩那样觉得被遗弃或排斥。我母亲从不觉得被我父亲排斥。甚至他们离婚时，也充满和谐。”她大笑后却哭了，她知道她被欺骗了。她母亲当然觉得被拒绝，她也被拒绝了。她父母已离婚！她像父母一样隐藏了痛苦。

处于离婚普遍的时代，男人给与另一半安慰就更形重要，男人可做些小改变来支持女人，女人也应礼尚往来。





不带责备的沟通

NOW TO COMMUNICATE WITHOUT BLAME



男人常觉得受到女人情感上的攻击和责备，尤其是在她难过和谈论问题时。他因不知男女有所差异，所以不会联想到她需要的是谈论她所有的感觉。

A man commonly feels attacked and blamed by a woman's feelings, especially when she is upset and talks about problems. Because he doesn't understand how we are different, he doesn't readily relate to her need to talk about all of her feelings.



他误以为她责备他应对她的感觉负起部分责任，以为她对他生气，因为她正向他倾诉难过之处。她抱怨时，他听到的却是责备。许多男人不了解金星人需要的是与她们所爱的人分享难过的感觉。

He mistakenly assumes she is telling him about her feelings because she thinks he is somehow responsible or to be blamed. Because she is upset and she is talking to him, he assumes she is upset with him. When she complains he hears blame. Many men don't understand the (Venusian) need to share upset feelings with the people they love.



透过男女差异的了解与体会，女人可以学习如何让对方听起来不觉得是受责备地表达感觉。为确信男人不受责备，女人抱怨感觉时，在语气上可以稍做停顿，先告诉他她多感谢他的倾听。

With practice and an awareness of our differences, women can learn how to express their feelings without having them sound like blaming. To reassure a man that he is not being blamed, when A woman expresses her feelings she could pause after a few minutes of sharing and tell him how much she appreciates him for listening.

zilong99j

她可以这样说：

　　．很高兴可以告诉你这些事。

　　．讲这些事让我觉得好舒服。

　　．能够畅所欲言，让我松懈不少。

　　．很高兴能够抱怨这些事，我好舒服。

．好，我现在已经讲完了，感觉很舒服，谢谢你。

She could say some of the following comments:

• "I'm sure glad I can talk about it."

• "It sure feels good to talk about it."

• "I'm feeling so relieved that I can talk about this."

• "I'm sure glad I can complain about all this. It makes me feel so much better."

• "Well, now that I've talked about it, I feel much better. Thank you."



小小的改变就能创造出一个全然不同的世界。

This simple change can make a world of difference.



同理，她在讲述问题时，也可以感谢他为她的满足与松懈所做的努力，譬如，她抱怨工作时，偶尔可以提及回家时有他共处是件多美好的事，然后感谢他修理家具；或者她抱怨经济情况时，可提及很感谢他的努力工作；或者她抱怨为人母亲的沮丧时，可提及很高兴有他的帮忙。

In this same vein, as she describes her problems she can support him by appreciating the things he has done to make her life easier and more fulfilling. For example, if she is complaining about work, occasionally she could mention that it is so nice to have him in her life to come Home to; if she is complaining about the house, then she could mention that she appreciates that he fixed the fence; or if she is complaining about finances, mention that she really appreciates how hard he works; or if she is complaining about the frustrations of being a parent, she could mention that she is glad she has his help.





分享责任

Sharing Responsibility



良好的沟通需要双方合作。男人必须知道女人抱怨只是想把沮丧藉着谈话发泄掉，而非责骂。女人必须让男人知道，纵使她抱怨，但她仍然感激他。

Good communication requires participation on both sides. A man needs to work at remembering that complaining about problems does not mean blaming and that when a woman complains she is generally just letting go of her frustrations by talking about them. A woman can work at letting him know that though she is complaining she also appreciates him.



譬如，我太太刚进来，问我这一章写得怎么样。我说：“快完成了。你今天过得怎么样？”

For example, my wife just came in and asked how I was doing on this chapter. I said, "I'm almost done. How was your day?"



她说：“太多事得做了。我们很难得聚在一起。”以前的我会建立起防卫之线，提醒她我们无时不在一起，或者会告诉她在截稿日前完成对我有多重要，但是如此只会增加彼此的紧张而已。

She said, "Oh, there is so much to do. We hardly have any time together." The old me would have become defensive and then reminded her of all the time we have spent together, or I would have told her how important it was to meet. my deadline. This would have just created tension.



如今的我，知晓了男女差异，了解她只是想寻找安慰和了解，而非辩解或解释，所以我会说：“你说得好，我们都太忙了。坐到我腿上，让我抱抱。今天真难捱！”然后她会说：“你真好。”这正是我需要的感谢之辞，这使我可以待她更好。她接着会抱怨更多今天的种种以及她的疲劳，数分钟后，她便自动停止了。我主动要求载褓姆离开，好让她在晚餐前能轻松的静一静。

The new me, aware of our differences, understood she was looking for reassurance and understanding and not justifications and explanations. I said, "You're right, we have been really busy. Sit down here on my lap, let me give you a hug. It's been a long day."

zilong99j

她说：“真的，你要载褓姆回家？真好，谢谢你。”她再次给我感谢与接受，虽然她又累又倦，但我仍觉出自己是个成功的伴侣。

She then said, "You feel really good." This was the appreciation I needed in order to be more available to her. She then proceeded to complain more about her day and how exhausted she was. After a few minutes she paused. I then offered to drop off the babysitter so she could relax and meditate before dinner.

She said, "Really, you'll take the babysitter Home? That would be great. Thank you!" Again she gave me the appreciation and acceptance I needed to feel like a successful partner, even when she was tired and exhausted.



女人没想到应该对男人表示感激，她认为他已知道她心里有多感激。但他不知道，在谈论问题时，他需要确定她仍爱他、感激他。

Women don't think of giving appreciation because they assume a man knows how much she appreciates being heard. He doesn't know. When she is talking about problems, he needs to be reassured that he is still loved and appreciated.



问题会使男人沮丧，除非他已着手解决。为了表示感谢，女人可帮助他了解：倾听她说就算是帮忙她了。女人不必压抑感觉或改变来迎合伴侣。她需要的是以不让他觉得被攻击、控告、责骂的方式来表达自己。只要小小的改变就能创造极大的效果。

Men feel frustrated by problems unless they are doing something to solve them. By appreciating him, a woman can help him realize that just by listening he is also helping. A woman does not have to suppress her feelings or even change them to support her partner. She does, however, need to express them in a way that doesn't make him feel attacked, accused, or blamed. Making a few small changes can make a big difference.





运用奇异的支持字眼

Four Magic Words of Support



支持男人的奇异字眼是：“错不在你。”当女人表达她难过的感觉时，可以偶尔停顿，以鼓励来支持他说：“我很感谢你听我说话，若你听来不顺耳，请别介意，我不是骂你。错不在你。”当他因听到一大堆问题而感觉是自己做错时，正是女人学习面对他的敏感之时。

The four magic words to support a man are "It's not your fault." When a woman is expressing her upset feelings she can support a man by pausing occasionally to encourage him by saying "I really appreciate your listening, and if this sounds as if I'm saying it's your fault, that's not what I mean. It's not your fault."

A woman can learn to be sensitive to her listener when she understands his tendency to start feeling like a failure when he hears a lot of problems.



有天我姊姊打电话告诉我她正面临的困难。我听时一直谨记莫给她任河解答，她只是需要人家倾听。我偶尔说：“嗯、哦、真的！”等言语，十分钟后，她说：“约翰，谢谢，我觉得比较舒服了。”

Just the other day my sister called me and talked about a difficult experience that she was going through. As I listened I kept remembering that to support my sister I didn't have to give her any solutions. She needed someone just to listen. After ten minutes of just listening and occasionally saying things like "uh‑huh," "oh," and "ready!" she then said, "Well, thank you, john. I feel so much better."



倾听对我来讲比较不费力，因我知道姊姊不是在骂我，是骂别人。但是我太太不高兴时，我就比较难处理，因为我觉得那好像是在骂我。不过如果她以感谢的态度鼓励我倾听，我就能较轻松地成为一个很好的听众。



It was much easier to hear her because I knew she was not blaming me. She was blaming someone else. I find it more difficult when my wife is unhappy because it is easier for me to feel blamed. However, when my wife encourages me to listen by appreciating me, it becomes much easier to be a good listener.

What to Do When You Feel Like Blaming

要让男人确信错不在他，或者不是责备他，唯一的方法是真的不是责备他、否定他或批评他。如果她是在攻击他，应先和其他人分享她的感觉，直到恢复爱心能与他交谈才开始沟通。她可与能给她支持的非当事人分享愤恨，气消后，若能更具爱心与谅解，她就可以成功的接近他，分享自己的感觉。第十一章会更详细讨论该如何沟通彼此难以表达的感觉。

Reassuring a man that it is not his fault or that he is not being blamed works only as long as she truly is not blaming him, disapproving of him, or criticizing hirn. If she is attacking him, then she should share her feelings with someone else. She should wait until she is more loving and centered to talk to him. She could share her resentful feelings with someone she is not upset with, who will be able to give her the support she needs. Then when she feels more loving and forgiving she can successfully approach him to share her feelings. In chapter II we will explore in greater detail how to communicate difficult feelings.

zilong99j

Now to Listen Without Blaming



女人只单纯地谈论问题，男人则因觉得被骂而骂人。沟通因受阻碍所以造成关系的破灭。想像一个女人说：“我们只知工作、工作、工作，没有半点乐趣，你太严肃了。”男人会以为她在骂他。

A man often blames a woman for being blaming when she is innocently talking about problems. This is very destructive to the relationship because it blocks communication. Imagine a woman saying "All we ever do is work, work, work. We don't have any fun anymore. You are so serious." A man could very easily feel she is blaming him.



若他觉得被骂，我建议他不要骂回去。如果他说：“我觉得你好像在骂我。”我建议他改说：“听到你说我很严肃让我很难过。你是说我们缺乏乐趣都是我的错吗？”或者他可以说：“你说我很严肃、没乐趣，这伤害了我。你是说这都是我的错吗？”

If he feels blamed, I suggest he not blame back and say "I feel like you are blaming me." Instead I suggest saying "It is difficult to hear you say I am so serious. Are you saying it is all my fault that we don't have more fun?" Or he could say "It hurts when I hear you say I am so serious and we don't have any fun. Are you saying that it is all my fault?"



另外，为了改善沟通，他可以给她台阶下，说：“你好像是说工作得这样辛苦是我的错，是吗？”或者说：“当你说我太严肃、没有乐趣时，我觉得你好像在说都是我的错，是吗？”

In addition, to improve the communication he can give her a way out. He could say "It feels like you are saying it is all my fault that we work so much. Is that true?"

Or he could say "When you say we don't have any fun and that I am so serious, I feel like you are saying it is all my fault. Are you?"



这些回答既尊重又能给她机会收回任何令人以为是责备的话。当她说：“哦，不，我不是说都是你的错。”时，他可能会觉得稍微轻松点。

All of these responses are respectful and give her a chance to take back any blame that he might have felt. When she says "Oh, no, I'm not saying it's all your fault" he will probably feel somewhat relieved.



我发现另外一个最有帮助的方法，就是谨记：她永远有权难过，把难过发泄出来可以使她舒服。这个认知帮助我轻松，并使我谨记，假如我不把它当私人事件而忠实地倾听她抱怨时，会更感激我。就算她责备我，也不会骂个没完没了。

Another approach that I find most helpful is to remember that she always has a right to be upset and that once she gets it out, she will feel much better. This awareness allows me to relax and remember that if I can listen without taking it personally, then when she needs to complain she will be so appreciative of me. Even if she was blaming me, she will not hold on to it.

zilong99j

倾听的艺术

The Art of Listening



男人若能倾听并正确解读女人的感觉，就比较容易沟通。进取心和任何一门艺术一样需要练习。每天我一回家通常都会找邦妮，问她这天过得好不好来练习倾听的艺术。

As a man learns to listen and interpret a woman's feelings correctly, communication becomes easier. As with any art, listening requires practice. Each day when I get Home, I will generally seek out Bonnie and ask her about her day, thus practicing this art of listening.



如果她这天很难过或有什么压力，首先我会觉得她是在告诉我，我该有点责任、该被骂。我最大的挑战是别把它当成私人问题、别误解她。我坚持提醒自己，我们说的是不同的语言。当我继续问：“还发生了哪些事？”时，我发现有许多事令她困扰。我逐渐认为我不必单独为她的难过负责。一会儿之后，虽然我还是得为她的不痛快负担部分责任，但她也会开始感谢我的倾听，变得十分愉快、理性、有爱、心。

If she is upset or has had a stressful day, at first I will feel that she is saying I am somehow responsible and thus to blame. My greatest challenge is to not take it personally, to not misunderstand her. I do this by constantly reminding myself that we speak different languages. As I continue to ask "What else happened?" I find that there are many other things bothering her. Gradually I start to see that I am not solely responsible for her upset. After a while, when she begins to appreciate me for listening, then, even if I was partially responsible for her discomfort, she becomes very grateful, accepting, and loving.



虽然倾听是需要练习的重要技巧，但有时候男人会对她使用语言的内在含义过于敏感而无法翻译。此时，他不应该再听下去，他可以和善地说：“现在不是我们谈话的好时机，我们等一下再谈。”

Although listening is an important skill to practice, some days a man is too sensitive or stressed to translate the intended meaning of her phrases. At such times he should not even attempt to listen. Instead he could kindly say "This isn't a good time for me. Let's talk later."



有些男人直到她讲完话，才知道自己无法倾听。在倾听中若自己变得更沮丧，他就不应该再听下去，否则会更沮丧，这对双方都没有好处。此时应尊重地说：“我实在很想听你说话，可是现在我无法专心听，我想我需要一点时间来思考你刚才说的话。”

Sometimes a man doesn't realize that he can't listen until she begins talking. If he becomes very frustrated, while listening he should not try to continue‑he'll just become increasingly upset. That does not serve him or her. Instead, the respectful thing to say is "I really want to hear what you are saving, but right now it is very difficult for me to listen. I think I need some time to think about what you have just said."



当我和邦妮学习以尊重两性差异及了解彼此的需要沟通后，我们的婚姻变得轻松自在。我在数以千计的个人和夫妻间目睹了这种改变。当沟通反应了已准备好的接受态度及对个人先天差异的尊重时，两性关系会更融洽。

As Bonnie and I have learned to communicate in a way that respects our differences and understand each other's needs, our marriage has become so much easier. I have witnessed this same trans

formation in thousands of individuals and couples. relationships thrive when communication reflects a ready acceptance and respect of people's innate differences.



若出现误解，请谨记我们说的是不同的语言；解释配偶的真正意思，无可避免地需要花些时间。这绝对需要练习，但绝对值得。

When misunderstandings arise, remember that we speak different languages; take the time necessary to translate what your partner really means or wants to say. This definitely takes practice, but it is well worth it.