Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

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授权给男人的秘诀是，绝不要尝试改变化或改进他。



在女人的世界里，大家视提供忠告是一种爱的表现，但在男人的世界则不是。女人必须谨记，男人只在对方直接要求时才给与忠告，对男人表示爱的方式是相信他可以自己解决问题。

On Venus, it is considered a loving gesture to offer advice. But on Mars it is not. Women need to remember that Martians do not offer advice unless it directly requested. A way of showing love is to trust another Martian to solve his problems on his own.



但这并不表示女人必须压抑她的感觉，只要她不试着改变他，她当然可以沮丧甚至生气，任何改变他的企图都不会受到支持，而且会得到反效果。

This doesn't mean a woman has to squash her feelings. It's OK for her to feel frustrated or even angry, as long as she doesn't try to change him. Any attempt to change him is unsupportive and counterproductive.



女人爱上男人时，通常都会开始试着改变他们的关系，她的过度热情，使他成为进步的目标，她会逐步慢慢的改进他。

When a woman loves a man, she often begins trying to improve their relationship. In her exuberance she makes him a target for her improvements. She begins a gradual process of slowly rehabilitating him.

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为何男人抗拒改变

Why Men Resist Change



她试过无数的方法想改变他或使他有所进步，她认为那是出于爱，但他却觉得自己受到操控、被拒绝、没有爱。他顽固地拒绝她，因为他觉得她在拒绝他，所以才会想要改变他。当女人试着改变男人时，男人并没有得到改变和成长真正需要的爱的信任与接纳。

In a myriad of ways she tries to change him or improve him. She thinks her attempts to change him are loving, but he feels controlled, manipulated, rejected, and unloved. He will stubbornly reject her because he feels she is rejecting him. When a woman tries to change a man, he is not getting the loving trust and acceptance he actually needs to change and grow.



有一次，我问演讲厅里数百名的男女，他们都有共同的经验：女人愈想改变男人，男人就愈抗拒。

When I ask a room filled with hundreds of women and men they all have had the same experience: the more a woman tries to change a man, the more he resists.



问题的症结在于女人误解男人抗拒的反应，她误以为他不愿意改变，也许是因为他爱她不够深，但他拒绝改变的更正原因是，他觉得没有得到足够的爱。男人若觉得被信任、接受、感激，自然会自动改变、成长、进步。

The problem is that when a man resists her attempts to improve him, she misinterprets his response. She mistakenly thinks he is not willing to change, probably because he does not love her enough. The truth is, however, that he is resistant to changing because he believes he is not being loved enough. When a man feels loved, trusted, accepted, appreciated, and so forth, automatically he begins to change, grow, and improve.

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Two Kinds of Men/One Kind of Behavior



有两种男人，一种是女人想改变他时，他顽固地抵抗，另一种是同意改变，但过一会就马上忘记，恢复原状。男人对改变的反应，不是主动抗拒就是被动抗拒。

There are two kinds of men. One will become incredibly defensive and stubborn when a woman tries to change him, while the other will agree to change but later will forget and revert back to the old behavior. A man either actively resists or passively resists.



当男人觉得他的表现没有得到爱时，他会有意识或无意识地重复这个没有被接受的行为。他内在会有一股很强的力量强制他重复这种行为，直到他觉得得到爱与接受为止。想让男人改变，必须让他觉得被爱、被接受，否则他会抗拒，保持原状不改。他需要觉得他的表现被接受了，然后才能自行寻找改进的方式。

When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted. For a man to improve himself he needs to feel loved in an accepting way. Otherwise he defends himself and stays the same. He needs to feel accepted just the way he is, and then he, on his own, will look for ways to improve.



Men Don't Want to Be Improved



正如男人想解释女人为什么不该难过般，女人也想解释男人为什么不该有他们表现出的那种行为。男人错误地想“修正”女人，女人也错误地想“改进”男人。

just as men want to explain why women shouldn't be upset, women want to explain why men shouldn't behave the way they do. just as men mistakenly want to "fix" women, women mistakenly try to improve" men.



男人以火星人的眼光看这个世界，他们的座右铭是“没有坏就不要修理”，因此女人一且想改变男人—男人就以为她认为他出状况了，这不但伤害了男人，也使男人产生防御的心理，因为他没有感到爱与接受。

Men see the world through Martian eyes. Their motto is "don't fix it, If it isn't broken." When a woman attempts to change a man, he receives the message that she thinks he is broken. This hurts a man and makes him very defensive. He doesn't feel loved and accepted.

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帮助男人成长的最好方法：不要尝试用任何方式改变化。



男人需要别人接受他，忽视他的缺点。要接受一个人的缺点很不容易，尤其是在我们认为他可以变得更好时，但是，如果我们了解帮助男人成长的最好方法是，不要尝试用任何方式去改变他，那么接受缺点就不会太困难了。

A man needs to be accepted regardless of his imperfections. To accept a person's imperfections is not easy,. especially when we see how he could become better. It does, however, become easier when we understand that the best way to help him grow is to let go of trying to change him in any way.



The following chart lists ways a woman can support a man in growing and changing by giving up trying to change him in any way:



NOW TO GIVE UP TRYING TO CHANGE A MAN



What she news to remember Whet she con de



       I. Remember: don't ask him too           I. Ignore that he is upset unless he

       many questions when he is upset         wants to talk to you about it.

       or he will feel you are trying to            Show some initial concern, but not

       change him.           too much, as an invitation to talk.

       2. Remember: give up trying to            2. Trust hirn to grow on his own.

       improve him in any way. He needs              Honestly share feelings but with­

       your love, not rejection, to grow.         out the demand that he change.

       3. Remember: when you offer             3. Practice patience and trust that

       unsolicited advice he may feel mis‑              he will team on his own what he

       trusted, controlled, or rejected.            needs to learn. Wait until he asks

              for your advice.

       4. Remember: when a man           4. Practice showing him that he

       becomes stubborn and resists              doesn't have to be perfect to

       change he is not feeling loved; he is             deserve your love. Practice forgive­

       afraid to admit his mistakes for            ness. (See chapter I L)

       fear of not being loved.

       5. Remember: if you make sacri‑          5. Practice doing things for your­

       fices hoping he will do the same           self and not depending on him to

       for you then he will feel pressured        make you happy.

       to change.



What she me& I9 remember Whet she con do



       6. Remember: you can share nega‑              6. When sharing feelings, let him

       tive feelings without trying           know that you are not trying to

       to change hirn. When he feels              tell him what to do but that you

       accepted it is easier for him to             want him to take your feelings into

       listen.             consideration.

       7. Remember: if you give hirn              7. Relax and surrender. Practice

       directions and make decisions              accepting imperfection. Make his

       for him he will feel corrected        feelings more important than per­

       and controlled.              fection and don't lecture or correct

              him.



　　如果男女在学习互相支持时，不把个人的要求摆在第一，双方就能够自然地改变与成长。认真了解配偶的六个基本需求，你可以根据这些需求调整爱的支持，使你们的关系更和谐圆满。

As men and women learn to support each other in the ways that are most important for their own unique needs, change and growth will become automatic. With a greater awareness of your partner's six primary needs you can redirect your loving support according to their needs and make your relationships dramatically easier and more fulfilling.

yunzhifan

I am wondering whether it is over?